Life and Times - Slightly Abridged

Some Suessical Junk

2011-03-29T22:18:00.003-06:00

It's been a bit, so I thought I'd post a few tidbits that I whipped up for a company "fun week". Done, hopefully, in the classical style of Dr Suess - I tried to make each of them specific to the book it was paying homage to:

(part I - week overview)

And To Think That It Happened On Ol' Gatty Drive!

Hey you, yes you, in the back of the row!
Are you thinking and wondering about the places you'll go?
Are you counting your fishies, are you hopping on pop?
Are you thinking the good times may never stop?
Are you wishing you could stand up and slap a high-five?
Well.. All that will happen on Ol' Gatty Drive!

On Monday, O Monday, it's never the best
So the Grinch stole it and hid it in a crunkula chest!
He wasn't done yet, that grunch of a Grinch!
He traded Monday for Friday - every last inch!

Then Tuesday became Thursday, we went back in time!
(the Grinch nodded and winked "Now is that such a crime?")
What treat waits on Thursday, you're dying to know!
Formal dress up attire - OH the Places You'll Go!

Wednesday stayed Wednesday, "I can't fix them all!"
Said that grunchtrastic Grinch when he answered our call.
What happens on Wednesday, besides this and that..
Wearing bambobulous headwear with the Cat in the Hat!

Thursday became Tuesday, and Tuesday's fun too!
With special guest stars from the finkle-fish zoo!
(it's red fish and blue fish, numbered just one and two!)
(and you can join too, long as we're not code blue..)
(tell all of your friends! Tell all your crew!)
(dress down on Thur-Tuesday, that's what you'll do!)
(it's important you show up, so don't catch the flu!)
(I could go on forever, for really, it's true..)
(this is getting quite old now! It's no longer new!)

The week ends on Friday, that's the best day done twice!
Grinchy smiled awfully smugly, he felt very nice.
Reset you calendar, reset all your clocks..
We close the week out with our friend Fox in Socks!

So what does all of this mean, you're dying to know?
To get ready for fun-ness, to get on with the show!
For all the best answers, just read down below..

(part II - How the Grinch Grinched Monday)

All of you here in you-ville like Fridays a lot
But who of you likes a Monday....
..........yes, just as I thought!

That's it! No discussion! Your Monday's been grinched!
.. I thought it'd be tougher, but it was easily pinched!

I took it and squeezed it and scrunched it up small
a little pink weekday the size of a ball..
.. that I stuck in a chest that I kept down the hall!

Now what to do with that Monday sized hole?
I couldn't ungrinch the bad weekday I stole..

But.... maybe replace it with something much nicer,
Maybe Wednesday, maybe ... Thursday.. I had to think twice (er..)

Of course, it's so simple, too simple by half!
Trade Friday for Monday, how's that for a laugh?

Who doesn't love a Friday, the best of the days
(bringing the weekend and oodles of pay!)

(part III - OH the Places You'll Go!)

OH! The Places You'll Go!

Congratulations!
Tomorrow's your day!
For getting to dress up,
For getting to play!

Fancy hats on your head
Shiny shoes on your feet
Tuxedos and cummerbunds looking quite sweet!

This wouldn't work on a Tuesday,
Not one little bit
But dress up on Tue-Thursday
Will be such a hit!

As if all this fanciness wasn't nearly enough
(not that looking this elegant is terribly tough!)
You can make glamtabulous jewelry to show off your stuff!
You'll be such a superstar - such a gem in the rough!

OH!
The places you'll go!

And will you do fine?
Yes! I've seen all the signs!
(up from 98 percent awesome to 99 point 9!!)

Dance Machine, Watch Me Get Down...

2011-01-21T17:51:00.003-07:00

I now present to you, after many long months, one of the most embarrassing nights of my life!

My dear friend Ben met a couple of girls, and had promised to meet them at a dance club later on that evening. The only problem was that I didn't like going to dance clubs, and wasn't a great dancer. Meeting cute girls in strange places doing things I wasn't great at made me nervous as hell!

Ben's response to this was simple: Liquid Courage!

We rushed out to purchase a fifth of Southern Comfort, with the plan to get me just a little tipsy and less nervous. Who knows, maybe even more comfortable dancing!

Operation: 'Dance Machine' hit one nasty snag however, Ben almost killed me! Instead of mixing the SoCo into a drink, we were just doing shot after shot in rapid succession. SoCo isn't the strongest drink out there, but I was young, and not used to drinking much.

Five shots and about twenty minutes later, I swore I didn't feel anything. I complained to Ben that it wasn't working and he upped the ante. We started taking pulls directly off the bottle, and faster.

Finally, with over half the fifth gone, it hit me all at once. I was drunk drunk and sick sick. Still, Ben was determined that we would meet these girls, and he pushed, pulled and carried me out to his truck to drive downtown. He brought the SoCo, for good measure.. Thank goodness.

The second we hit the parking lot, I opened up the door and puked my guts out. After a few gross minutes of that, I stumbled out of the truck. Somehow, I had puked on my shirt, pants and shoes. Luckily, I didn't have any real food in my stomach, so it pretty much smelled exactly like Southern Comfort. (yum) I mumbled something about bad breath to Ben and he whipped out the bottle again, and poured in a liter bottle of Mountain Dew. I drank deeply, rinsing my mouth, and stood up as straight as I could, ready to face the girls.

I staggered up to the door of the club, Ben supporting me with an arm whenever I couldn't make it on my own. When we hit the door, the doorman looked me up and down. With watery drunken eyes, and the the funk of vomit and booze thick on my clothes, I met his eyes.

Him: "Are you drunk? I can't let you in if you're drunk!"
Me: "No way, I'm great!!"
Him: "Ok, head on in."

The second I walked into the club and the music crashed into me I was transformed into a dance machine. I boogied and shimmied my way across the dance floor, tossing Isaac points at each cute young girl that I passed. So great was my abandon that I even stopped to drunkenly grind against a few hapless victims!

Ben, having finally caught up with me, guided me upstairs to meet the girls. He pointed to their table, where they sat staring at the two of us, with strange expressions on their faces. I paused, made strong eye contact with one of the girls, raising an eyebrow dramatically and mosied over to the table.

These tables were your typical tall, small and circular tables found in every dance club like this I've ever been at. Sitting in the middle of the table was a fresh pitcher of beer, sudsy and delicious. They had four glasses out, but hadn't poured yet, and waited expectantly for us.

The second my butt hit that chair, I leaned forward and puked everything(!!) else I had in my stomach (SoCo and Dew at this point) right into the pitcher of beer. I then fell out of my chair onto the ground at everyone's feet.

Ben heroically picked me up and carried me over to the bathrooms - luckily very close - and I staggered into the womens room.

Something about ending up in the land with no urinals was like a smack in the face! I sobered up enough to stand steady and walked right back outside to Ben, who was looking forlornly at the (now vacant) table.

Having puked all the poison out of my system I started feeling better almost immediately, but the night was shot. Coincidentally, my shoes and shirt were also both shot.

This is strangely one of the more memorable nights of my life. And I even think I learned a lesson in there somewhere...

..... nahhhhh

History Part One - Grandma

2010-08-30T12:02:00.003-06:00

Over the past week I have been digging through my entire house looking for old (but ridiculously important) documents. While doing so I came across a bunch of stuff that really took me back a few years. Since I have moved so many times over my lifetime, I wanted to get this information someplace.... permanent, in case I lose the originals.

This first thing is very important to me. It's about my Grandma. It was about 6 or 7 years ago that she passed away and when she did, I was asked to prepare a fairly long 'talk' about her for her funeral.

When I got there and started talking, I made it about five minutes before I broke down crying like a wee baby. I spent the next fifteen minutes blubbering and stammering through my speech. Still, I am glad I was able to speak for her and about her - it meant a lot to me!

At the very end, I choked through a short poem I wrote about her. It isn't a great poem, but it's about a great lady. That kinda makes it great in its own way. So - without further adieu...

Grandma

We have all come here today to show our deep respect and great love for Florence May Butterfield. I have been asked to speak on her behalf and I am honored. I only hope I have found the right words to display the love that I and everyone here has to feel for her.

She was our historian, our diplomat, our healer, our friend, our counselor, our accountant and most of all my grammy. She touched all of our lives with her kindness compassion and strength. She also played a mean game of solitaire and kicked most of our butts at cribbage. Except for Kenny, who grammy was very sure cheated morning noon and night.

She was also a packrat... aren't we all? You name it and she collected it. Most of the time she collected things more for us than for herself. She took these collections quite seriously and really knew her stuff, no matter who it was for. Who knew more about stamps than grammy? Who knew more about coins? She even shared in our interests and supported our hobbies. She shared Ellen's love of carousels. She shared Kenny's love of knives.

Well I am happy to say that I was able to share one of my hobbies and passions with grandma. I was able to introduce her to the world of computers. A world that, though foreign, she was intrigue with and sought to learn everything she could. She discovered the world of internet and e-mail and suddenly loved ones far away could send her cards and letters instantly. This consisted mostly of my mom sending her jokes and stories that grammy called junk, but there was always some piece of mail in there that said "I love you" from her family abroad. Looking at all of her hobbies, I am sure that there is nothing out there that she couldn't master and understand. I am certain of it.

I will speak now of her great strength. A strength that fought off cancer for over seven years. A strength that kicked the hardest habit there is to kick - smoking! How many here have tried to quit? Ahhhh, then you know what I mean by strength. A strength that kept the family together. A strength that she displayed at all times.... whether she felt it or not. I am not sure that I have ever met a stronger person in my life. I think my mom tries really hard to follow in my grandma's footsteps. And I have to say that she does a pretty darn good job.

She also battled against diabetes and won! She fought that battle a good many years now and never seemed intimidated by it. It was just one more chore that needed to be completed every day. A chore, like all of the other chores, that she did with a smile.

Ellen told me recently that grammy was the reason she came back here, back to Salt Lake City. I get the feeling that even though Ellen came to make sure grammy was doing good, that grammy was every bit as good for Ellen as Ellen was for grammy. Call it a hunch.

She also had the great strength it took to tame a fierce hound named Poopy, scourge of the grandchildren (myself included). If you doubt for one second what kind of fortitude it took to keep that howling hound of death in line, she must have never savagely mauled you!

Who who was there to heal the heinous wounds inflicted on Poopy's prey? You guessed it - grammy.

As a side note it should be said that I don't think that Poopy had a mean bone in her. I am certain she was just misunderstood.

It is only recently, as I am old enough to want to know everything about our family that I started asking grammy about our family history. About where she grew up, how she grew up and who she grew up with. With a twinkle in her eyes she would tell me all about her youth. She still remembers the address she lived at as a child. She remembers then auntie that she would go over to every day after school. The auntie that always displayed great kindness and love.

She remembers how she got a library card and checked out as many books as she could and would rush to return them the very next day. She clearly recalled the surprised look on the librarian's face when so many books came back, read, the next day.

The librarian would say "You can keep these until you read them you know!" Grammy would just smile and say "I know." Pretty smart kid eh? And she DID read them all. That's the kicker. How she found the time I will never know.

She told me of her friends. She has shown me the pictures. All I had to do was ask and she took me there willingly. So we went there together, because I, too, was willing to go.

I have never met anyone with such a vivid recall of their youth as she had. An through her memories to my memories and the memories of others she has kept our family's past. I tell you, in turn, so that we may all remember.

This was taken from a recent letter my mom sent to me; "She used to like to take you for rides in her Subaru and let you sit in the front all strapped into the seat-belt so tight that I would always try to find a reason to loosen it. She would always say I am going shopping with my grandbaby, and he is riding up here so I can see him smile when I sing silly songs." It is said that getting there is half the fun, well with grandma I can tell you that it was well over half the fun!

Not too long ago I was finally able to take her for a spin in my car. I didn't sing any silly songs, but I played really bad music for her. I hope that counts. Now my car is no Subaru, but she seemed to like it well enough. It all started when I offered to take her to run a few errands on a Saturday. Well, we spent far longer than needed to get to where we were going, but that was ok in my book. We even stopped by Weinerschnitzel for a chili cheese dog or two. We talked and talked and made a mess and talked some more. I think she was more glad to have a good old fashioned non diet Dr Pepper more than anything, but once again - just a hunch.

While we were there wishing that they had given us even ONE napkin between us and eating, some guy came over and asked us if we knew how to get someplace. I had no clue, of course, but grammy somehow managed to give the guy detailed instructions as to how to get to his destination. (and also managed not to spill the aforementioned Dr Pepper while gesturing this way and that!) I asked her how the heck she knew that, but I think she was having too much fun playing the mysterious wise woman to reply. I suspect it may be that she has seen more of the city than most of us will ever be able to. Either way, I think that was the best chili-cheese dog I have ever had.

Grandma has also been my quality control person. She likes to meet my girlfriends and get a feel for what kind of person they are. She was an excellent judge of character and her suggestions and advice about them was never ignored. Needless to say that all of my girlfriends thought she was the best. That just shows me that they have good taste. (this became the Grandma test!) She always seemed to see something in them that would make or break them. I only wish I had that wisdom now, I bet we all do.

Come to think of it, I think I owe many of my successful dates to grammy. I can't think of all of the times I have called her in a pinch and said "Grandma, I need a cool recipe for a romantic dinner - FAST! Oh, and make it something I can't mess up too badly!". She was a meeeeeeeeeeeeeean cook that really seemed to know what was needed for every situation. And though Carl was the chef of the family, I bet he owes much of that to grammy's recipes and cooking tips. Not that I would ever squeal on grammy by saying that she ever splurged on her diet and had something tasty. Wild horses couldn't drag that out of me!

My mom made a request of me when she heard that I was doing this; try to keep things focused on the mellow and positive. She asked me this because that is what grandma believed in. She would not want us to dwell on her passing, she would want us to keep our chins held high and keep a positive outlook. If one woman could act as the glue for a family and balm for all of our souls then we must in turn do our part and smile when we think of her. Lift the sadness from your hearts and fill it with joy and love. Open your arms to your brothers and sisters and take them in. Not only did grandma show us this road, but she walked us halfway down it. It's only natural that she would want us to keep walking it. I don't remember that she ever said the road would be an easy one, she only ever said that it would be worth it.

Actually I am pretty sure she BUILT that road. No wonder she was able to show us the path so readily.

Many of you may not know that she was pretty dang hip to today's trends. She seemed to like some of my music quite a bit. She had her favorites though. I'd like to show you one. This is a song that she knew word for word and would sing all the time around the house. This is the crash test dummies doing a little ditty called 'God Shuffled His Feet'. I hope you like it.

[we played this song, while I tried to regain control of myself..]

I have so many things that I wanted to say that there is simply not enough time or words to say them all. So I will try this tack instead. This is a poem that I wrote for her.

My Grandmother, My friend

One powerful woman, one passionate life.
A warm loving friend and a dutiful wife.
My grandmother my friend loved by all till the end.
All the lessons you taught me, all the bones you helped mend.
How can we now repay all the kindness you've shown?
How can I show you how much I have grown?
How can we prove that your words lit the sun?
How do we thank you for all that you've done?
How can we show you how much we care..
..how can this be done without you there?
I, for one, will never forget you then..
You will live on forever, my grandmother, my friend.

The Gym

2010-06-07T20:26:00.002-06:00

I'm at the gym, blowing off steam and getting my 'fit' on when the most hard core old gal walked past me.

She must have been 70 if she was a day, but this daring generation-bridging chica had tattoos, eyebrow piercings and even a nose ring.

Her eyes were the heavily lidded of the really old, but her legs - ye merry gods! They were the lithely muscled legs of an olympic sprinter.

I'm pretty sure she could have kicked half the gym's butt in a heartbeat, but luckily she had a rave or Facebook to get to, and didn't have time for the likes of me!

And thus begins Operation: HOLY CRAP! where I am going to smuggle my camera into the gym and wait for her next appearance. Stay tuned, gentle readers, I won't rest until we can ALL pay homage to her!

Why I Love Her..

2010-05-25T18:00:00.002-06:00

From "You Know I Love You... Don't You?" by Howard Jones

Now dont you worry when things get tough
Well stick together through the smooth and the rough
Your the steam engine and I am the tracks
Roll over me Ill be rolling right back cos

You know I love you
You know I love you...dont you

You know what I'm talking about, baby. ;)

Today my sweetheart had this to say about me. Out of the blue and completely at random:

April. Thirteenth.

No, no….that shouldn’t have been a statement. Ahem.

April…..THIRTEENTH?!

This is the last date you blogged?!

Where is my writer? My taunter, my titillator - my TOWN CRYER?! My mistah luuuuuuvs to share his bidness with the masses?

Muffin! Don’t let the passion die! It doesn’t matter if you’re writing to an audience of one (which I don’t think has been true ever) or one million – don’t stop, you mustn’t!

Pretty please?

Whew! I almost forgot to ask nicely ;)

<3

She's right, of course. Writing is cathartic for me regardless of how interesting that writing is for others. Bad poems, song lyrics, blog posts and epic emails about virtually nothing - these are my calling cards! ..... so why am I not calling anymore?

I sit in the classic "thinker" pose and ponder this.. I come up with an excuse for every day of the week. They SEEM like good excuses as I consider them, and the great Zeus only knows I'm busy every night of the week.

I'm trying to learn how to play the Bass. I'm writing a board game with a good friend of mine. I am designing my own kitty condo for our cats (Hey, I didn't say they were all GREAT excuses..). I help my friend Hoffamunch out with whatever creative venture he's into at the time (http://undeadsoup.com/undead2/), I play with my two dogs, two cats, computer, ballroom dancing, XBox, go to the gym, hang out with friends and play games and spend time with my fiancee..

Good hell.

To top it all off I am working between 10 and 11 hours every day, and even if I'm not AT work, I'm thinking about the current configuration of this, that or the other thing. I get home from work, and I'm exhausted.. This has probably led to my nearly chronic sickness over the past SIX FREAKIN MONTHS!!

***Intermission***

The editor would like to interject that he's damned glad he popped in the Best of Howard Jones while blogging today.. Day-to-the-am, that is some quality music!

Seriously, get it. Listen. Feel good! This is an order!

We now return you to the rest of the Blog already in progress.

***End Intermission***

To make matters even more exciting, our room-mate just moved out. I have mixed feelings about this. For one thing, he's been my friend for about half my life and has lived with me off and on for much of that time. We're as different as night and day, but I have a lot of respect for him, and can honestly say I miss him around.

Oh, and his rent never hurt my feelings either. ;)

On the other hand, now we have more room. What we are going to do with all this room (our house is freakin gargantuan) I have no idea. I suspect we'll fill it all up, and now we have privacy for our lusty nekked Tango sessions! PRE-YOWWW baby!

And on that somewhat disturbing note, O devoted reader, I bid you a fond adieu. That was more than enough catharsis for one night.

... what is Loooooovveeee, anyway? Whoa-oaaaa.. WHOOAAA OHHHHHHH!!!!!

New Life

2010-04-13T01:14:00.002-06:00

Wow.

It's been over half a year since my last post. I've had to Scrooge McDuck swan-dive through a huge pile of fanmail asking me to get back into the lab (with a pen and a pad.. tryin to get this damned label off...) for another message.

Jeez, countless adoring fans, I hear you!! Here I am! Please please, turn thee down your deafening applause at my triumphant return.

Now then - to the point:

I have always been behind technology. Either too poor to afford it, or too lazy to stay cutting edge. But the dangerous thing about technology is that it's not something that just passes you by, it's a tsunami that if you're not riding the crest, you're getting crushed and then left on the shore of an unknown land.

Now my refusal to BRB and LOL have marked me as anachronistic and backwards, rather than marking me as a guy who knows how to spell. No one even thinks about it anymore - it's just the sign of the times.

Why won't I just cave? Why don't I just get on board with how people communicate? What point am I trying to make other than I am not ready to get with the program?

Is this really what the rest of my life is going to look like?

Step 1 - Refusal to use today's terminology
Step 2 - Checkered polyester pants
Step 3 - Horrible horrible incontinence
Step 4 - Death

I suppose this is something that most people go through when they become thirty-somethings. Yay.

Either way, adoring fans, life is swell right now. Thanks for asking! ;)

PS - I thought I'd spare you to ridiculously obscure Depeche Mode reference from the name of the entry here.. Though I'm waving around a lighter right now in fond memory of Speak and Spell.

*sniff*

Kids

2009-11-27T19:03:00.002-07:00

So we went over to a friends house not long ago. While there, their six year old came out and taunted me with this quip:

"If I were afraid of you, why would I be THIS flexible..."

At which point she lifted her leg up so that it was pointing straight out from her body.

.............. I really didn't know how to answer that.

Hollywood Undead

2009-09-29T17:58:00.003-06:00

From "Bitches" By Hollywood Undead

Bitches I hope you know
I won't stop 'til I hit that hoe
Shorty come say hello
And get your drunk ass over here let's bone

*sigh*

Hollywood undead is my guilty pleasure. They've got powerful tunes, dynamite synergy between members and an incredible incredible sound. This band is amazing!

So why a guilty pleasure considering all that? Check out the title of one of their tracks (Bitches, as shown above..). Damned near every song is about "bitches" and "40's" and some combination of getting laid, getting drunk or pulling out gats. Usually at least two of the three!

I get it, you're from LA. You grew up on the street, which was tough as hell. You hung out with gangsters and partied hard.. But, looking past that, you've got talent. Crazy talent. Crazy synergy, and a seriously crazy sound.

These guys could lay down a tune about the ingredients in Cocoa Puffs and I would be enthralled. ..... I may actually be more enthralled and not hate myself for being a lil Undead junkie.

Not that they would care - I'm a thirty something who grew up on Violent Femmes, Beastie Boys and Love and Rockets. I work in an office all day, and have always avoided the skreet scene. I'm guessing I'm not the target audience.

*sigh*

Here's another great example of a tune that's catchy, great beat, put together in an interesting way and completely juvenile...

Though the single coolest tune they've got is...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aQhFRyfWZUA

The worst part is; despite the incredibly juvenile subject matter, these guys can put lyrics together. I almost want to challenge them.. Write a song about:

War
America
Cheese Sandwichism
Selling out
Surviving the streets
The Future
The environment..

Is it fair for me to want them to write about ANYTHING other than the holy triumvirate of teenage partying? Probably not. If they changed, they may just lose that edge that makes them so fresh. At the same time, I know they can do it.. their song "Circles" feels sincere..

Tha Producer:
Take my hand lets go,
Somewhere we can rest our souls.
We'll sit where it's warm,
You say look we're here alone.

I was running in circles,
I hurt myself,
Just to find my purpose.
Everything was so worthless,
I didn't deserve this,
But to me you were perfect.

I'm scattered through this life.
If this is life I'll say good bye.
She's gone like an angel,
With wings let me burn tonight.

I was running in circles,
I hurt myself,
Just to find my purpose.
Everything was so worthless,
I didn't deserve this,
But to me you were perfect.

Johnny 3 Tears:
I see me writin on this paper.
Prayin for some savior.
Wishin *to* intake her and save her.

In a world so, so godless *so* thoughtless,
I dont know how we wrought this,
All the love that you brought us.

It feels like I'm killin myself.
Just wheelin myself.
Just to pray for some help.

I'd give it all just to have, have your eternity.
Cause it's all that assures me.
It's worth all that hurts me.
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com

I'd give you my heart,
And *I'd* let you just hold it.
I'd give you my soul,
But I already sold it.

On that day that day,
I walked away in December.
I will always remember.
I'll regret it forever.

I remember brown eyes,
So sad and blue skies.
Turned to darkness and night.
I'm so sick of the fight.

I won't breathe unless you breathe,
Won't bleed unless you bleed.
Won't be unless you be,
‘Till I'm gone and I can sleep.

I was running in circles,
I hurt myself,
Just to find my purpose.
Everything was so worthless,
I didn't deserve this,
But to me you were perfect. (x2)

Tha Producer:
I've gone away,
Seen better times in yesterday (I hurt myself).
It's hard to say,
That everything will be okay (I hurt myself).

I've gone away,
Seen better times in yesterday (I hurt myself).
It's hard to say,
That everything will be okay (I hurt myself).

Pretty damned good. I guess the long story short here is; check out Swan Songs. You may hate them, or love them, or hate yourself for loving them, but there's a good chance they'll make a serious impression on you.

Near Death

2009-09-27T15:43:00.003-06:00

I have a friend, named Ben, that I haven't seen in ages. He moved back East a while ago to be near family and hasn't come back. (I know - come back to Utah? JEEPERS! ) We were well nigh inseparable for a while there, and were room-mates several times.

Why am I telling you all of this, O gentle reader?

I ALSO have a couple of scars on the back of my right hand, just below my pinky. One of them looks like a bass-clef, sort of, and the other does its best river Nile impersonation. If you will bear with my rambling for a moment, I'll take you back to the fateful day it happened...

Both Ben and I hated washing dishes, and after being room-mates long enough we figured we couldn't pawn it off on the other, so we tag-teamed 'em. I'd wash, and he'd rinse or whatever.. Went pretty fast, really, but I digress...

So there we were, one dark night, washing and rinsing away and bullshitting as we always did. I had my hand in a tall straight-sided glass and was getting that hard-to-get stuff at the bottom. A small circle of the glass broke out while I was swishing my hand back and forth inside the glass, and instantly I had a huge gash on my hand.

Of course, my hand is sitting in very hot (and sudsy) dishwater, which did its magic and pulled damned near every drop of blood out of my body (ok ok, so not every drop, but a LOT of drops..). Instantly the dish-water was a soupy dark red and I become very light headed.

Ben, who noticed before I did, did an honest to goodness tarzan AAAHHHHHHHH scream and yanked my hand out of the water.

For about half a mili-second he kept my hand over my head, hoping to slow the bleeding and then he really busted into action:

1) Pulling me away from the sink and instructing me to keep my hand OVER my head to slow the bleeding.
2) Running over to the top of the fridge (scant feet away) to grab a loaf of white bread
3) Jamming his hand into the loaf and coming out with a fist-full of white bread
4) Cramming the bread, all in a wad into my mouth (which felt incredibly dry in my weakened state..)
5) Giving me strict instructions to chew the bread and it would keep me from passing out..

I might add that chewing the bread turned into me opening my mouth and closing my mouth about ten times, each time with a huge wad of bread falling out.

6) Rushing into the bathroom and quickly returning with a roll of toilet paper
7) Yelling at me "HOLD STILL, YOU'RE LOSING BLOOD FAST, YOU'RE GONNA MAKE IT BUDDY"

Everyone knows that blood loss causes loss of hearing (.....) so I was thankful that the guy standing inches away was yelling into my ear.. It almost made me forget that I was dying!!

8) Frantically wrapping an entire roll of toilet paper around my hand so that it looked like a mummified soccer ball.
9) Grabbing me, and flinging me over his shoulder to carry me out to his truck while shouting "KEEP IT ABOVE YOUR HEART!!!"
10) Driving 90 miles an hour (!!!) down to the insta-care and carrying me inside, finally propping me up just inside the door to wait for care.

Phwewwww!

Sensing that I was clearly on the very brink of death, they rushed me back to Punky Brewster meets Pippy Longstocking..

She had pink and blue hair in huge pig tails, black and white striped nylons, short shorts (pre-yowwwwwwwwwww), and boots that looked like witches shoes.

Seriously.

Many stitches later, I was back on the way home, occasionally pausing to cough up some white bread.

I still have those scars to this day, and if anyone asks me about them, I usually reply that it was a grizzly bear attack or barracuda bite.. whatever tough and manly tall tale I can come up with.

Why? Well, because I'm just not sure anyone would be the real story. ;)

The Challenge

2009-05-02T22:36:00.003-06:00

So I was walking home from school one day with a few friends, right? Mike, one of the friends in question fancied himself a poet. Truth be told, I did as well. We were discussing the quality of our poems.

Mike could clearly tell that I was something of a poetical genius, and his hackles rose. He immediately challenged me to a ......... Poem-off.

Yes. A poem off.

He posed that we'd each have 2 minutes to compile a poem that would indicate our skill at composing on the spot. He indicated that he would set the example and go first. His poem was this:

My prowess is big.
Is VERY big.
Is hairy like a pig.

It was impossible to conceive of a better poem, especially while doubled over laughing.

My friends are downstairs right now playing rock band. I can hear my fiancee warbling out Michael Jackson's Beat It with glee. She does a surprisingly good MJ. I am feeling pretty good myself, now that I think about it.

I've had four shots of Jaegermeister, 3 beers, and a rum and coke. This has made me perhaps the ultimate blogger.

Enjoy.

*hic*

Tough Job

2009-04-14T18:00:00.003-06:00

From "Def Con One" by Pop Will Eat Itself

Ten to doomsday, moving fast...
Heads up! Mind that blast.
No time to sleep, it's Def.Con.One.
Can't get no sleep as the ticking ticks on,
No time for fear, it's Def.Con.One

One of the most underrated and misunderstood jobs in the world is saving it. Seriously.

Imagine you're standing there with a chainsaw, welding helmet and shopping cart full of razor wire. Typical Friday night for you, right? Held back the forces of evil and now you're ready to pop an ice cold one and get some rest..

AND THEN the police show up.

They want answers, they want to hear the truth (they say) but when you lay it on the line they laugh. LAUGH!?

Jeez, world, you're very welcome for saving you. Yes I'd like to go downtown for some questioning.

*sigh*

Sea of Stupidity

2009-03-23T23:32:00.001-06:00

I sailed across a misty sea,
the dark sea of stupidity.
Where many creatures gazed at me,
who thought my wit a mystery.

I reached out for the farthest shore,
but through the mist and seabirds soar,
I caught a glimpse, but nothing more.
of that long sought far off shore.

So now I fight the furious tide,
as salt and sea blind my eyes..
I savor not, this joyless ride,
which only ends on yonder side!

Even now, while I speak,
the floorboards of my soul grow weak,
and as each wave bares its peak,
I dearly dream of the shore I seek..

One thing, yet, may bring me peace..
the sweet solemn peace of thought release,
but of my mind the sharks will feast..
dare I tempt the angry seas.
On the dark sea of stupidity.

From Russia with Love

2009-03-21T02:07:00.001-06:00

From "Russian Girls" by Sasha Dith

Russian, russian, russian girls, my baby
Give me, give me all your love
Russian, russian, russian girls
You take my soul...

The other day my fiancee and I were having Pho in our favorite little Vietnamese restaurant (Pho Green Papaya) when I noticed that my mug was made in Russia. And then it hit me..

I miss the cold war.

Sad, I know. But they made for such an imposing adversary. Their country was bigger, scarier, gruffer and more.. well - RUSSIAN than ours. Heck, even when you look at their country's acronym it was more imposing:

U.S.S.R

Wow!!!

They were enough of a scare that to be branded a communist (or a RED) was enough to ruin your career or at least make you miserable. I look at who the US has tense relations with now a days and I realize that they're just squabbles or posturing. Something that we, alas, have set an example of.

I know it's stating the obvious, but O what a different era we were in. MAD hanging in the air like a real possibility. Thinly veiled threats and dire warnings. Spy games going on with reckless abandon (spy movies flourishing ...)

Maybe "I miss the cold war" is too strong a statement. After all, I am positive I was too young to really know what was going on around me. But I felt like I was in a movie with good guys and bad guys, and it was clear which was which. Not only that, but I don't miss the fact that the world was in genuine peril and it took the work of a good many people to keep the fragile peace.

Nothing is that simple anymore. Maybe it never was, but it sure felt simple then. Now everything is innuendo and hidden agendas. Torture happening in dark places, corrupt officials at all levels. It was easier to trust our government when we had such a terrifying nemesis rearing up to strike overshadowing our own shortcomings. How easy to forgive and forget when we must band together against a common enemy. Now that the shadow of imminent destruction has been lifted and daylight is shining on our own faults and foibles, it's just downright embarrassing.

Maybe that's it.. maybe it's the current air of rightfully earned cynicism that has me feeling like theirs was the better era. Maybe it's the rose colored goggles of nostalgia and not the truth, but again, that's what if feels like.

And lastly, and let's be honest with ourselves folks, the 80's had cooler cartoons.

Ducks - the Horror!

2009-03-13T19:13:00.006-06:00

From "Opiate" by Tool

Deaf and blind and dumb and born to follow
What you need is someone strong to guide you
Deaf and blind and dumb and born to follow
Let me lay my holy hand a, hand upon you

Filthy creatures, really. Ducks.

So I'm in a brand new office, one wall is dominated by two huge glass windows. They overlook one of the most beautiful business courtyards I've ever seen. However, my office is situated so that my back is to my windows, and with how much time I spend with my nose to the grindstone, I seldom get to see it.

Here's the view from my window after a recent storm:

Still quite scenic, little water fount / fall

Here's the fall part.

Pulled back a bit.. You can see the other buildings across the way.

Little bridge, and a normally well kept grounds (hard to see in the snow)

The whole tamale!

Anyhow, it's like my second day in the office, and I haven't had a chance to really enjoy the view, but some folks I work with wandered in while I was between meetings.. As they chatted with me about a few minor work things, their eyes kept flitting outside, softening as they observed Mother Nature(tm) in all of her glory. It's important to note that these ladies are all very mature, very professional and decently conservative.

Finally one of them speaks up..

One of Them: You have the most amazing view, don't you just love to watch the ducks?

I had to honestly admit, I didn't really give them any thought.. I hadn't had TIME to enjoy 'em. So, pausing mid conversation, I spun my chair and looked outside.

RIGHT outside my office, straight out from my window and right next to the pond, a male duck started chasing around a female duck. The female was screaming for help, but the other ducks just didn't make eye contact. It wasn't just a scream but it was this desperate screeching wail that sounded wholly miserable!

Finally, the guy duck, having gotten a good handle on the struggling gal, and having forced her into the water, started humping away at SheDuck for god and glory. At this point, another guy duck, swimming around in the water stopped and looked for all the world like he was taking notes on the first duck's technique.

Finally, with one last warbling cry, HeDuck jumped off, flapped his wings a bit and started swimming off with his note taking buddy.

Of course, this is just nature - right? But in my mind the poor SheDuck was down in the water, trying to stop the tears and clean up the duckscara that was running down her face.

Slowly, I spun my chair back around, mouth dropped completely open in shock and horror, eyes wide with disgust..

The three ladies in my office, stared over my shoulder, each of them wearing a look of sheer horror.

They filed out of my office without another word, and not ONE of them has mentioned my view again.

Freakin' ducks...

New Driver's License...hoboy

2009-03-06T21:40:00.002-07:00

From "I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred

I'm too sexy for my car too sexy for my car
Too sexy by far
And I'm too sexy for my hat
Too sexy for my hat what do you think about that

So I go in to get my picture taken, right, but then I think.. "I'm ready for my close-up now..." They call my name to come up and I approach like I'm walking the catwalk, baby, onthe catwalk. (I just wanted them to have a small taste of what was coming..)

When I got to the chosen spot, I spun on one heel and faced the camera giving them my patented look "The Swedish Fishmonger" , and believe me, this look puts the GRRRRR in Fishmonger!

The lady behind the machine just looked at me, stunned by the double barrel blast of hawtness, but somehow managed to stammer out her spiel.

Yes yes, verify everything is good on screen.
Yes yes, stand right here.
Yes yes, smile for the camera...

So I whipped out my little portable hand-fan. You know, the battery operated type that makes that faint whirring noise and kicks up enough air to cool you off on a toasty summer day?

Still wearing the SF(tm) I turned the fan to hit my face, whipping my hair into a sweet wind-tunnel effect, like I was running the final leg in Chariots of Fire...

Time slowed down for me as the lady snapped the shot, and you know, I think I heard the pop of an old timey flashbulb and smelled the faint whif of ozone!

.... on the catwalk.. yeah, on the catwalk!

Catching Up

2009-02-19T15:57:00.007-07:00

Greetings O esteemed reader!

It's been an eventful couple of months on the home front. Since you are undoubtedly on the edge of your seat wondering what exactly happened, I'll try to get it all in:

We're all settled in the house.. ended up redoing the entire kitchen. We both mortgaged our spleens to be able to finish it.. but so worth it!!

We had our first big friend gathering around Christmas time for the annual friends get-together, which went awesome. We had a massive breakfast with about 20 people showing up. I was going to ask my sweetheart to marry me at the breakfast, but there was never just that PERRRRFECT moment.

By then I'd already picked out a diamond for her and everything. I figured it wasn't a big deal to not ask her at the party, because... CHRISTMAS (or Xmas Eve) would be even better, right?

Well, mom called early one morning during an action packed game of Runebound and asked:

"SO DID YA ASK HER YET?"

It was loud enough that Corissa's head snapped up from the game and she looked me over like "huh?".

Mom wasn't done though.. she continued with:

"DID YA ASK CORISSA? CAN YOU HEAR ME? HELLLLLLOOO DID YOU GET A CHANCE TO ASK CORISSA YET?"

Embarassed and totally foiled, I pulled out the diamond for Corissa right then and there and got down on one knee, asking for her hand in marriage. It was all very exciting, embarrassing and touching all at once.

Since then, I had my birthday, we've been invited to join the VanSeans for a vacation in paradise, Charly is a much bigger pooch and we discovered Dance Dance Revolution.

Speaking of Dance, we've started taking ballroom dancing together, and it's a blast. We've got Waltz and most of the Foxtrot under our belts. Now for some swing, baby!!

SWING HEIL!!!!

Phwew!!

Sorry for the long absence, but I hope to make time to keep this up a bit better in the near future!

Disneylaaaaaaaannd Video

2008-11-17T15:56:00.002-07:00

From "Dizz Knee Land" by Dada

I just flipped off President George
I'm going to dizz knee land

I've said it before; Hoffmangler's got talent. Mad talent, yo. He put together a video that highlights our trip to Disneyland back in "the day". I still get misty every time I watch it.

Enjoy... :)

Richard Thompson -

2008-11-17T14:59:00.002-07:00

I thought I'd share a gem of a musician with you. Richard Thompson He's brilliantly entertaining and has a profound depth that instantly appealed to me.

Here's a live version of one of his (apparently most well known) songs, 1952 Vincent Black Lightning.

What a great love story. A man, his motorcycle and his red-headed girl. In fact, his entire Rumour and Sigh CD is fantastic. Come over and I'll lend you my copy of this excellent excellent CD.

*editors note, this CD actually belongs to a good friend of mine who lent it to me all the way back in High School. And unless he drags his ass back to Salt Lake, he's not getting it back. Bwahahahahahhaa

Everyone has a list of CD's that they have probably listened to a million times, and will probably listen to another million in their life. This CD is on my list and quite highly placed!

I think earlier on my BLOG I mentioned some of the other faves of mine.

So why am I reminiscing about this? My good friend Hoffmangler went to Youtube and posted a list of his favorite tunes (and videos) from the 90's. His list is pretty damned good, and kicked off my own stroll down memory lane.

He left a few notable ones off, but I'm here to tell ya, if you were looking for 'alternative' music that embodied the 90's, look no further than Hoffmangler's list.

Either way, before I go I'd like to share another bit of twisted genius from Richard Thompson...

A man sits down to write a letter, but instead he writes a book
The book begins, Dear Sir, I don't know if you're interested, but
Your wife is a whore...

A man gets on a train and proceeds to take all his clothes off
He begins to play with himself-and he says,
In my country, this is definitely not offensive...

A man pours petrol through his neighbour's letterbox and throws in a match
Soon the house isengulfed in flames
As the neighbors jump
From the upstairs window he films the whole thing on video
He plays it back to them later in hospital
Things have been pretty dull
At home without you, he says...

A man pushes a lawnmower two hundred miles on his knees
To the tomb of the unknown gardener
Great One, he cries,
I have done my penance
I bring my offering
Grant me-grant me-
Pest-free roses

CHORUS
Psycho Street, frinedly people down on
Psycho Street, good neighbours
Down on Psycho Street
If you need a hand, need a friend, we understand
If you need a pal, we'll be there, any how
Psycho Street

A man stakes his neighbour's ct to the barbecue
And turns on the gas
now are you going to talk he says,
Or am I going to have to get nasty...

A man has an inflatable doll made that looks exactly like his wife
He murders his wife, dissolves her body in acid, and marries the doll
Three years later he leaves her
For another doll...

A man hands his son a brick and says, son,
Throw this brick through the greenhouse next door
The boy does
The boy next door throws one back
It hits the man on the head and mortally wounds him
Ah well, he says as his lifeblood trickles away,
Boys will be boys...

A thoughtful woman sends her best friend a parcel
Inside, it says, is a free sample
Full body beauty treatment, but it really contains acids and chemicalls
When her friend tries it, her hair falls out,
Her face is wrinkled and her body scarred
The thoughtful turns to her husband and winks, and says.
Pre-emptive strike

Proposition H8 -

2008-11-12T16:32:00.006-07:00

From "American Idiot" by Green Day

Don't want to be an American idiot
One nation controlled by the Media
Information age of hysteria
It's going out to idiot America

*sigh*

I'm just going to say it.. I'm pro-gay marriage. Why should I care that two people are doing what makes them happy AND that they get equal benefits that any other lawfully wedded couple should get.

I've seen a lot of for and against this article, but what it boils right down to is that apparently there are people who believe being gay is a sin. Why? I guess this is the same people that believe that fellatio is a sin.

**Edited - removed due to reports of these comments being offensive. Apologies if you were offended!

I don't care if you are against 'em. That's your right.. but what's next? If the bible told you that people with green eyes were evil, would we try to outlaw them too?

Ya know.. I don't recall any wars headed up by gay people. No "CrusGAYdes", no holy wars.. I never see stories in the paper about how a gay person has committed some sort of heinous hate crime.. Why is it that those who purport to be the most righteous are the most small minded about what being righteous means?

Seems to me like the pot is calling the kettle black here. Didn't the great bearded one say something about glass houses and throwing stones?

And now it seems like it's a battle of semantics. Marriage has been a defined word and if they changed the definition, that they'd have to change the definition of family and parents..

Why?

I feel like I'm bombarded with social regression more and more each day. If it offends you so much, I'm afraid you're going to have to leave the planet. Because I'm afraid most of the rest of the world is already on board.

Gits.

I Am No Longer a Blogger...

2008-11-03T10:45:00.008-07:00

From "A Change" by Sheryl Crow

I've been thinking 'bout catching a train
Leave my phone machine by the radar range
Hello it's me, I'm not at home
If you'd like to reach me, leave me alone

A change would do you good
A change would do you good

Sorry folks, it's true. I am no longer a blogger. All three of you who have frequented my blog in the past should be notified..

I am now a Bloggadier! That's right.. A Bloggadier!

9_9

Ok, well, in all seriousness.. Who came up with the term Blog? Were there really no other choices? I love doing it, but I hate saying it. I always feel like I should GRUNT loudly when talking about it.

I still remember walking home from High School where one of my friends mentioned casually to me:

Friend- "You know they came up with a new name for the type of music you listen to?"
Me- "Huh? They need ANOTHER freakin way to classify music?"
Friend- "Yeah, I guess they didn't like Modern music because so much of it is in the 80's now!"
Me- "................... You're kidding?"
Friend- "Nope. It's called Alternative Music now.. How cool is that?"
Me- "Alternative?! What is it the alternative to? LAME! I refuse to ever call it that.."

And yet, here I am almost 18 years later calling it that. If someone asks me what type of music I listen to, I can't even keep up with all of the new classifications.

Why do humans feel the need to classify everything to death? We do it with everything!!

With never having any real psychology training, I am sure it has something to do with people's need to identify with things they see in themselves. By calling the music alternative, I wonder if it wasn't just a way to say "We're different! We're small and we're underdogs, but we don't care!"

That tended to be a pretty big theme with a lot of the folks who listened to that type of music. Obviously, not true of everyone (or even most) folks who listened to it, just my little slice of friends that did.

What's worse is people who classify based on prejudice. I heard on the radio that some people actually believe that Barack Obama is going to put all the Christians in concentration camps.

What that says to me is that Obama has been classified as non-christian. Why? Because he's black? Because of his middle name?

Please, people.

I tend to be decently even keeled when it comes to politics. But I have seen some pretty extreme statements from the great unwashed after and about this latest election that makes me sad for my country.

It's sad and ironic that in a country that values freedom above everything else, people are slaves to preconceived notions about entire groups of people. Further, how embarassing that in my country everyone has the right and privelage to be an outspoken bigot or fascist.

Blah.

A wise and wonderful girl confessed to me that she was scared for the future of the United States. Not because of the financial crunch, not because she was concerned about the presidency.. but because she was scared that one day all of the extremist nutjobs (pick your flavor) will be unhappy with the fact that OTHER RACES, CREEDS AND CULTURES of Americans are getting the same rights.

Are people really so selfish and small that it matters? Why would you not want others to have a piece of the greatness that we've got?

I am proud to be an American. But I reserve the right to be proud of some of my fellow Americans. It's 2008, folks. Wake up and smell the world..

C'mon Now People...

2008-10-25T00:33:00.004-06:00

From "Mad World" by Tears for Fears

And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad..
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had.
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take..
When people run in circles it's a very very....
Mad world... Mad world...

I received something in my email the other day that was kind of crazy. I mean, pot calling the kettle black level of crazy. I certainly don't think any less of the person who sent it to me, but I DO think less of whatever kind of nutjob actually created the damned thing.

There were some valid points in the message. I didn't change EVERYTHING.. but enough of all the pre-game show, read for yourself.

Here's a copy of the original message (shudder):

The resignation speech George W. Bush should give:

Normally, I start these things out by saying 'My Fellow Americans.' Not doing it this time. If the polls are any indication, I don't know who more than half of you are anymore. I do know something terrible has happened, and that you're really not fellow Americans any longer.

I'll cut right to the chase here: I quit. Now before anyone gets all in a lather about me quitting to avoid impeachment, or to avoid prosecution or something, let me assure you: There's been no breaking of laws or impeachable offenses in this office.

The reason I'm quitting is simple. I'm fed up with you people. I'm fed up because you have no understanding of what's really going on in the world. Or of what's going on in this once-great nation of ours. And the majority of you are too damned lazy to do your homework and figure it out.

Let's start local. You've been sold a bill of goods by politicians and the news media.

Meanwhile, all you can do is whine about gas prices, and most of you are too damn stupid to realize that gas prices are high because there's increased demand in other parts of the world, and because a small handful of noisy idiots are more worried about polar bears and beachfront property than your economic security.

We face real threats in the world. Don't give me this 'blood for oil' thing. If I were trading blood for oil I would've already seized Iraq 's oil fields and let the rest of the country go to hell. And don't give me this 'Bush Lied...People Died' crap either. If I were the liar you morons take me for, I could've easily had chemical weapons planted in Iraq so they could be 'discovered.' Instead, I owned up to the fact that the intelligence was faulty.

Let me remind you that the rest of the world thought Saddam had the goods, same as me. Let me also remind you that regime change in Iraq was official US policy before I came into office. Some guy named ' Clinton ' established that policy. Bet you didn't know that t, did you?

Now some of you morons want to be led by a junior senator with no understanding of foreign policy or economics, and this nitwit says we should attack Pakistan , a nuclear ally. And then he wants to go to Iran and make peace with a terrorist who says he's going to destroy us. While he's doing that, he wants to give Iraq to al Qaeda, Afghanistan to the Taliban, Israel to the Palestinians, and your money to the IRS so the government can give welfare to illegal aliens, who he will make into citizens, so they can vote to re-elect him. He also thinks we just need to sit down and talk to Iran and things would be better (what the hell do you think we have been doing behind the scenes), and we should stop our foreign aid to Israel . Did you sleep through high school or what?

You idiots need to understand that we face a unique enemy. Back during the cold war, there were two major competing political and economic models squaring off. We won that war, but we did so because fundamentally, the Communists wanted to survive, just as we do. We were simply able to outspend and out-tech them.

That's not the case this time. The soldiers of our new enemy don't care if they survive. In fact, they want to die. That'd be fine, as long as they weren't also committed to taking as many of you with them as they can. But they are. They want to kill you, and the bastards are all over the globe.

You should be grateful that they haven't gotten any more of us here in the United States since September 11. But you're not. That's because you've got no idea how hard a small number of intelligence, military, law enforcement, and homeland security people have worked to make sure of that. When this whole mess started, I warned you that this would be a long and difficult fight. I'm disappointed how many of you people think a long and difficult fight amounts to a single season of 'Survivor.'

Instead, you've grown impatient. You're incapable of seeing things through the long lens of history, the way our enemies do. You think that wars should last a few months, a few years, tops.

Making matters worse, you actively support those who help the enemy. Every time you buy the New York Times, every time you send a donation to a cut-and-run Democrat's political campaign, well, dang it, you might just as well Fed Ex a grenade launcher to a Jihadist. It amounts to the same thing.

In this day and age, it's easy enough to find the truth. It's all over the Internet. It just isn't on the pages of the New York Times, USA Today, or on NBC News. But even if it were, I doubt you'd be any smarter Most of you would rather watch American Idol or Dancing with Stars.

I could say more about your expectations that the government will always be there to bail you out, even if you're too stupid to leave a city that's below sea level and has a hurricane approaching.

I could say more about your insane belief that government, not your own wallet, is where the money comes from. But I've come to the conclusion that were I to do so, it would sail right over your heads.

So I quit. I'm going back to Crawford. I've got an energy-efficient house down there (Al Gore could only dream) and the capability to be fully self-sufficient for years. No one ever heard of Crawford before I got elected, and as soon as I'm done here pretty much no one will ever hear of it again. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to die of old age before the last pillars of America fall.

Oh, and by the way, Cheney's quitting too. That means Pelosi is your new President. You asked for it. Watch what she does carefully, because I still have a glimmer of hope that there are just enough of you remaining who are smart enough to turn this thing around in 2008.

So that's it. God bless what's left of America .

Some of you know what I mean. The rest of you, kiss off.

PS - You might want to start learning Farsi, and buy a Koran. Obama alreadyhas his copy.

Here's the slightly revised version, hopefully a little bit more open minded and a little bit less FREAKIN RETARDED:

Normally, I start these things out by saying 'My Fellow Americans.' Not
doing it this time. If the polls are any indication, you people have woken up and smelled the coffee. I figgered there was a chance this would happen, but at least I know I suckered you not once but twice. You may think I'm a terrible president, but you voted me in twice, who's the idiot?

I'll cut right to the chase here: I quit. Now before anyone gets all in
a lather about me quitting to avoid impeachment, or to avoid prosecution or
something, let me assure you: you've got nothing on me. Many of you are saying that if I had enough rope I'd hang myself, but here I am peacefully completing my second term. The worst that is likely to come of my actions is that you're going to steer clear of another 'republican' president for a while. Can't win 'em all, I guess.

The reason I'm quitting is simple. I'm fed up with you people. I'm fed
up because you have no understanding of what's really going on in the
world. Or of what's going on in this nation of ours. And the majority
of you are too damned lazy to do your homework and figure it out. I never should have been voted into office the second time. Our broken electoral college system scared away half of the voters who would have made a difference, and the fact that Kerry was a nitwit too didn't hurt.

Let's start local. You've been sold a bill of goods by politicians and
the news media.

Meanwhile, all you can do is whine about gas prices, and most of you are
too damn stupid to realize that gas prices are high because there's
increased demand in other parts of the world, and because a small handful of conscientious people are more worried about polar bears and the environment than
your economic security. Because does it really matter how much of the earth is destroyed, so long as we can drive around in our SUV's and trucks? And when all that's left is an empty husk, we'll all die rich.

We face real threats in the world. Don't give me this 'blood for oil'
thing. If I were trading blood for oil I would've already seized Iraq 's oil
fields and let the rest of the country go to hell. And don't give me this 'Bush
Lied...People Died' crap either. The fact is, I'm a pretty weak president and I, like all leaders, relied on the people I trust the most to help make these decisions. Well, these people have their own ambitions and goals, and I'll be damned if Iraq didn't turn out to be part of their plans. If I were the liar you take me
for, I could've easily had chemical weapons planted in Iraq so they could be
'discovered.' Instead, I owned up to the fact that the intelligence was
faulty. What I've never confessed is that I believe I, like you, was deceived and manipulated into fighting a losing battle for the wrong reasons.

Let me remind you that the rest of the world thought Saddam had the
goods, same as me. Let me also remind you that regime change in Iraq was
official US policy before I came into office. Some guy named ' Clinton '
established that policy. Bet you didn't know that t, did you? I only mention this because I want to shed any accountability for this whole affair. It sickens me about the same way that it sickens you. The difference is, I bull-headedly continued a losing battle out of pride and stubbornness, rather than admitting we made a mistake. I hope Dad is proud of me, but I'm guessing probably not.

Now some of you want to be led by a junior senator with real charisma, a fresh outlook and a willingness to improve our global standings with the rest of the world. Good for you. If I had my way we'd have seceded from the rest of the world and ignored them. If he gets into office, there's a good chance real change will happen to our global facing image. I'm glad you finally asked yourselves "Why does the rest of the world hate Americans?" We're all proud of our country, and we should be, but why is everyone else either afraid of us, angry at us, or at the least, pitying us. We don't need their pity, we are the leaders of the world and apparently you all are starting to realize we should act like it.

You need to understand that we face a unique enemy. Back during
the cold war, there were two major competing political and economic models
squaring off. We won that war, but we did so because fundamentally, the
Communists wanted to survive, just as we do. We were simply able to
outspend and out-tech them. Be proud of that victory, it was a great one not only for us, but for the world. It established us as THE world leader.

That's not the case this time. The soldiers of our new enemy don't care
if they survive. In fact, they want to die. That'd be fine, as long as they
weren't also committed to taking as many of you with them as they can.
But they are. They want to kill you, and the bastards are all over the
globe.

You should be grateful that they haven't gotten any more of us here in
the United States since September 11. But you're not. That's because you've
got no idea how hard a small number of intelligence, military, law
enforcement, and homeland security people have worked to make sure of that. When this
whole mess started, I warned you that this would be a long and difficult
fight. I'm disappointed how many of you people think a long and
difficult fight amounts to a single season of 'Survivor.'

Instead, you've grown impatient. You're incapable of seeing things
through the long lens of history, the way our enemies do. You think that wars
should last a few months, a few years, tops. Is 10 billion US dollars really too much to spend on this cause? Our troops are the finest in the world, and always have been. So why are we wasting them in a place they're obviously not wanted? If this is the way we're going to act, so be it. We have the strength, we have the right.. but if we're going to do this, let's be consistent. Let us put our forces in every country that we feel needs fixing. Otherwise, the rest of the world will question our agenda.

Making matters worse, you're finally starting to carefully watch the media. You should be smart enough to realize that each form of media is biased. It just is. Just like each person in the world has their bias, each person who writes about the world shares that bias with the world. I'd like to associate every media source with communism, socialism, Marxism, ham and cheese sandwhichisms because I've come to realize that fear is a very valid tactic with you people. If I make outrageous claims about someone stating that they have wild ….. intercourse…. With chipmunks, even if most of you are smart enough to ignore my claims, there are some of you who say to yourself "AHA, that explains why their views differ from mine!"

In this day and age, it's easy enough to find the truth. It's all over
the Internet. It just isn't on the pages of the New York Times, USA Today,
or on NBC News. Why? Well, truth as I define it is black and white. The fact is, there's a grain of truth in everything that's been said on both sides of the campaign. EVERYTHING. I define the truth by isolating the part that I want to get across, while my opponents define the truth as their part. I know I've dealt in absolutes in the past, as have people on both sides of the equation. Anyone who believes everything they're told or read deserves what they get.

I could say more about your expectations that the government will always
be there to bail you out, even if you're too stupid to leave a city that's
below sea level and has a hurricane approaching.

I could say more about your insane belief that government, not your own
wallet, is where the money comes from. But I've come to the conclusion
that were I to do so, it would sail right over your heads.

So I quit. I'm going back to Crawford. I've got an energy-efficient
house down there (Al Gore could only dream) and the capability to be fully
self-sufficient for years. No one ever heard of Crawford before I got
elected, and as soon as I'm done here pretty much no one will ever hear
of it again. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to die of old age before anyone thinks to bring charges to me and my organization. I'm just sick to death of the whole affair and want to forget I was ever a part of it.

So that's it. Stand proud America.

Some of you know what I mean. The rest are probably blissfully ignorant. Either way, thanks for 8 lucky as hell years..

PS – fear tactics are a form of terrorism. People who buy into absolutism and who feed absolutism through ridiculous radical statements, and messages like this are a very (admittedly lame) form of fear tactic and ultimately, terrorism. Before you buy in to anything like this, look into the facts yourself.

Be proud for the right reasons. Be humble for the right reasons, but for the love of all that is holy, be afraid for the right reasons.

So I sent this to a good friend of mine, who happens to be very talented.. She was shocked at first, thinking I wrote the first one, but persevered until the second one. She, who will remain nameless, sent me a response that almost had me peeing my pants..

Apparently she's already had her eye on the growing popularity of Cheese Sandwhichism.

(Thank you, good Doctor, for a great laugh!)

Pure, Undiluted AWESOMENESS

2008-10-22T15:29:00.004-06:00

From "Flagpole Sitta" by Harvey Danger

been around the world and found
that only stupid people are breeding
the cretins cloning and feeding
and i don't even own a tv

..... we own 3 TVs. *blush*

I would never try to convince you, O gentle reader, to vote in any one way or another. In fact, I won't even tell you how I'd like to vote this year. Mostly because you don't care, but also because I respect your individuality.

HOWEVER, whichever side of the fence you're on, I hope you find this anywhere near as entertaining as I did.

Further, I was surprised to find out that it doesn't matter who I vote for, the whole thing is in God's hands. I would have figured God for a "Green Party" kind of guy, but I admit I'm a laymen at both religion and politics.

More Random Thoughts.. (slightly abridged..)

2008-10-17T08:34:00.009-06:00

She refuses to get a Blog for many reasons.. but her random thoughts are always awesome. So, here's a bit from the mind of my sweetheart...

From "Crazy On You" by Heart..

My love is the evenin' breeze touchin' your skin
The gentle, sweet singin' of leaves in the wind
The whisper that calls after you in the night
And kisses your ear in the early moonlight
And you don't need to wonder, you're doing fine
My love, the pleasure's mine

Since I don't have a blog, and I'm quite sure no one cares even a nanometer close to my Muffin about what I'm thinking, I thought since you are so particularly awesome I would let you it on some of the random thoughts of amazingness that have been and are currently running through my head today-strap yourself in, honey, here we go:

Muffin is awesome. He puts pictures of monkeys with guns on his blog then compliments himself about putting monkeys with guns On his blog...haha! [I'm my own biggest fan, what can I say?]

"Guns don't kill people-people kill people and monkeys do to-if they've got a gun. Click click BOOM!" - quoted from the most magnificant man in a skirt, Eddie Izzard.

Jeremy sure is a crazy-go-nuts Cavedoll fanboy... :) [Cavedoll IS cool, and apparently they've met several times in real life.. I'm more jealous than I'd admit, I always tend to miss the Cavedoll shows due to other commitments. *cry*]

If there were no calories in caramel sauce I think I'd put it on EVERYTHING! [Everything? *buys a few gallons of caramel sauce*]

I really like chatting with [this name omitted so as to protect the innocent... but it rhymes with Haira!]

It was really weird having to be silent during Dork Tower last night, even for just those few moments. It was almost sort of a panicky feeling not being able to communicate about the smallest non-pressing things for that short amount of time. If we all the sudden lost the ability to speak-what would happen to the world? I'm guessing once we gained it back again there would be a lot less texting...I know I realized just how much I take it for granted in those few seconds-kind of eerie... [reminds me of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode called Hush.. It was really good. in situations like that you REALLY find out who is a good communicator and who isn't.. ]

Do animals laugh? [not to our faces, my dear, that would be RUDE!]

Has Beeky ever laughed? I wonder what he would be like if he were a person cuz he's kind of a dick sometimes, but other times he's just a sweet little boy-typical guy I suppose ;) [this is the cat in question.. I'm not buyin' the sweet little boy thing..]

I can't believe they put "Barack OSama" on the ballots in that town in New York. Those things have to be proofread by 3 DIFFERENT PEOPLE before they are printed for the masses-the "S" is no where near the "B" you fools! Maybe they have Brent's dumb keyboard configuration setup-damn commi bastards! [Brent uses the Dvorak keyboard settings - it allows him to type like 600 words a minute..]

I wonder what Muffin is thinking about right now...I have one guess-and it's usually right ;P [she was right..]

I wonder who invented high heels? I'm thinking it was a guy who wanted to make it harder for women to run away... [conspiracy theory, or fact? YOU decide...]

I wonder what sort of stuff in other countries are referred to as "American such and such" like Dutch apple pie, or Swedish meatballs, or German pancakes...it's probably something "AWESOME" like American hotdogs :) [American Know-How? American ingenuity? Good question hon!]

How does dirt know when it's clean? [.................]

I hope we can get muppies for Christmas... [not 'muppets' folks, Kermit's safe I promise]

I hope Muffin's ready for [edited by me.. you guys can't have ALL our secrets..]!

Preeeeow!

<3

Observations

2008-10-15T09:22:00.004-06:00

From "Once In A Lifetime" by Talking Heads

And you may ask yourself
What is that beautiful house?
And you may ask yourself
Where does that highway go?
And you may ask yourself
Am I right? ...am I wrong?
And you may tell yourself
My god!...what have I done?

Just a few random things I've noticed across the past couple of days.

Last night I was driving home from work and I saw a girl in a mid-80's Toyota enono-car (manual transmission) driving along beside me. This girl must have been in her mid 20's I'm guessing..

Anyhow, she's driving down the street and plucking her eyebrows with her left hand, texting and operating the stick with her other. At no point in the three-and-a-half minutes that I drove along beside her did I ever see her look at the road.

....For all of that, she never swerved, never stopped too early or too late. In fact, if I hadn't of seen her doing these things inside the car, I never would have believed it just by looking at the driving itself.

So my question (or observation) is; are these functions just becoming so intuitive to people now a days that they're starting to be able to truly multi-task around them? Or was this girl exceptional?

Observation 2... No matter how little sleep I get, no matter how bad work is going to be, or how bad it was yesterday and no matter what the day holds for me, waking up with my sweetheart in my arms always makes me feel like a million dollars.

She does this thing where she'll be asleep (I try to get ready very quietly) and just before I'm about to walk out the door and she says:

"Muuuuuffin?"

Every day. And every day I walk around to her side of the bed and give her about a hundred kisses and one last hug before leaving for work.

And people ask me why my life is so good and I'm always so happy!

Observation 3... I predict that 300 years from now, Coffee will be to us like "The Spice" is to the people in Herbert's Dune books. Whoever controls the coffee will control the universe. In fact, I suspect that within 300 years, we will no longer drink water as we currently know it.

Nostradamus look out!!

Observation 4... One day I figured it out that if each person in Utah were to give me 15 cents, I would be a 334,975.35aire. My only thought is; how do I put operation "Gimme Yo Damned Change" into effect? I need to write a book about this... In the meanwhile, please set aside 15 cents for me. YES, I will take pennies.

Observation 5... Heated leather seats are my Rogue's way of letting me know it loves me. Or at least it loves me for my butt. Or maybe it JUST loves my butt. ..... Jeez! Way to make me feel like a piece of meat, Rogue. *GLARE*

Observation 6... I'm going to start talking to myself in my shoutbox. Speaking of shoutbox, does anyone else feel like they need to type in all caps in order to effectively live up to the shouting part of the equation?

Observation 7... I like Blogging. I just think that's an unfortunate name for it. I mean.. blog? It sounds like Blah and Log. Both of which have connotations that make me feel like I'm doing something repulsive. That may be too much information...

Observation 8... Woot!

Obersvation 9... Speaking of Woot, my girlfriend wrote me a hilarious message the other day telling me that Sprint was using "WOOT" in their new advertisements.. She said we needed to sue them for copyright infringement.. I think she's on to something. This may actually reduce the amount of money you all need to send me.. stay tuned for more details.

Observation 9...

Ya know? Seriously.

Small Correction - WDtCP Post

2008-10-13T15:40:00.003-06:00

Ok, slight correction..

Cat Stevens WAS a very cool musician. He ended up making some life choices that took him away from the type of music I enjoyed for many years. Apparently he's just barely getting back into it, but you just can't... go... home....

So when I say Cat Stevens is cool, I mean; Cat Stevens was one helluva musician before he embraced religion.

Which.. Man, you know, I try to be open minded and supportive of people and their choices. A person could make sweet whoopee to Emus for all I care.. but what I can't abide is people who make a conscious choice to give up something that is so obviously an inherent part of their being.

WTF man? WTF?

I thank my heathenistic ways that Michaelangelo, Monet, Van Gogh, David Byrne, Steven Brust didn't get 'the call' forcing them to turn their backs on what they are.

I respect religions for certain things.. Specifically, I dig that they usually have a doctrine of peace and brotherly love.. I wish more people were generous, caring and compassionate. I guess it's just frustrating to me that humanity (in general - please don't feel the overwhelming need to be included in this generalization if it doesn't apply to you..) NEEDS a god standing over your shoulder telling you to not steal, lie, cheat, covet and kill.

Seriously, folks, WTF?

A good parallel is; do you really need a warning sticker on a curling iron that says "Please don't stick this hot curling iron up your ass" for you to realize that it's a bad idea? Do you really need a strangely ethereal (and often floaty) deity teaching you manners and respect?

Well if you do you're a freakin nitwit. By the way, please don't stick a hot curling iron up your ass!

I'm proud to say that I've never begged the FSM for any special favors, treatment or advice. Why? Because I know with a vast certainty that any advice his Noodly benigness would grant would merely be an echo of my own thoughts and feelings.

I have my own demons, I know. I'm not perfect. Hell, if perfect were a spot on the map, I wouldn't even be ON the same map. But the mistakes I make are mine. The glories and the triumphs I have are mine. No toga-toting holy roller with an ultra-violet aura is going to steal my thunder or be my scapegoat.

I recently watched a show called Religulous. If you hven't seen it, I invite you to check it out.

*pant pant pant*

......

*sigh*

And do you know what makes me even more angry (or sad, as the case may be..) is that I am afraid to say anything that might really upset certain religious types. Why? Well, if they're going to booze up and riot for someone showing an image on a cartoon, what will they do if someone says "Jeez, your religion scares the shit out of me! Enough that I'm afraid to say it scares the shit out of me!"

Well, enough of that.. I'm scared. I'm scared to freakin death of certain religions. I applaud those brave enough to create shows and essays like Religulus. In light of recent murders and bombings and rampant death and killings, I think they've got balls of titanium. (Or, breasts of titanium.. as the case may be). I know that it was only a small number of certain sects of certain religions that have done this..

...... but they did it.

Where Do The Children Play?

2008-10-02T20:34:00.007-06:00

From "Where Do The Children Play" by Cat Stevens

Well you've cracked the sky, scrapers fill the air.
But will you keep on building higher 'til there's no more room up there?
Will you make us laugh, will you make us cry?
Will you tell us when to live, will you tell us when to die?

Cat Stevens is cool. I mean, really cool. If you haven't ever picked up a Cat Stevens album, I'd strongly recommend Tea for the Tillerman.

My mom was a bit of a hippie, I think (bless her soul) and she owned a ton of Van Morrison, The Doors, Cat Stevens, the Beatles and Jefferson Airplane albums in an old crate. They were a bit banged up, but they were beautiful.

I can't describe the way the slip-cases looked in that crate. Each one like a wall poster of glorious full color art. Lots of folks I know have only ever seen CD's, or even CD's and Tapes with their small square and rectangle cases..

I mention all of this because there was a certain style of art that was prevalent back in 'the day'. Or, if not prevalent, I saw it an awful lot. And let me tell you, O gentle readers, it was damned spooky.

Nightmares-to-this-day level of spooky.

They had soft colors, somewhat rounded edges and just white for eyes. The kids didn't look cute or even normal, they looked like they came from some dark and under-developed corner of my psyche.

"We don't have bones and guts, we've got marshmallows and evil... come play with us.."

Tea For the Tillerman had one of the spoooookiest ones ever.

*shiver*

I remember sitting on the couch peeping over the arm-rest at the crate and seeing this cover. I was so paralyzed by fear I just stared at it, barely breathing and blinking, for maybe three hours. I SWEAR to you that the kids moved a bit, and the crazy tea-dude seemed to be laughing at me.

Scare-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Don't even get me started on Jethro Tull's Aqualung. (( ......... Writing this post makes me feel old. ))

I Swear To You People....

2008-09-23T11:46:00.004-06:00

From "What Did I Ever Give You" by the Kaiser Chiefs

What did I ever give you
When you wanted me to
All I gave you was grief
Are you sick to your teeth

..... Sometimes I wish I had never invented the Interwebz. Seriously! Y'all are abusing the privilege! I'm half tempted to take it away from you for a few days.. See how many of you survive.

*sigh*

But I won't.. I never do. I threaten, I bluster, but I am a gentle and benevolent Swede.

However, I will shake my fist at you. I will sigh extravagantly at my monitor. I will bear this burden one more day..

... but watch yourselves. You never know what tomorrow holds.

(Shamelessy borrowed from some un-named poster on some seldom used forum.. completely without permission.. however, if the creator of this fine piece of work happens across my Blog, thank you!)

And Now For Something Completely Different..

2008-09-22T15:25:00.005-06:00

From "Benny Lava" sort of by Buffalaxed

My loony bun is fine Benny Lava!
Minor bun engine made Benny Lava!
Anybody need this sign? Benny Lava!
You need a bun to bite Benny Lava!

I can't tell you exactly what has caused my terror induced sprint down memory road (mostly because I don't know), but I've been thinking about the past a lot lately. This is likely the most useless statement in the world, but here it goes; life is damned interesting!

I used to be a huge fan of the Peanuts comic strip. I also liked the animated TV stuff, but the REAL Peanuts was the strip. I must have had 20 different hard and soft backed Peanuts novels. So much that I started associating myself with Charlie Brown. (Of all the Joshua Butterfields in the world, I'm the Joshua Butterfieldest..)

One of the most memorable things (for me anyhow) that happened in the strip was Snoopy writing a story that started "It was a dark and stormy night..".

Here's the entire text of Snoopy's novel (which, alas, never got published by in-strip publishers..):

It Was A Dark And Stormy Night

by Snoopy

Part I

It was a dark and stormy night. Suddenly, a shot rang out!

A door slammed. The maid screamed.

Suddenly, a pirate ship appeared on the horizon!

While millions of people were starving, the king lived

in luxury. Meanwhile, on a small farm in Kansas, a boy was

growing up.

Part II

A light snow was falling, and the little girl with the

tattered shawl had not sold a violet all day.

At that very moment, a young intern at City Hospital was

making an important discovery. The mysterious patient in

Room 213 had finally awakened. She moaned softly.

Could it be that she was the sister of the boy in Kansas

who loved the girl with the tattered shawl who was the

daughter of the maid who had escaped from the pirates?

The intern frowned.

"Stampede!" the foreman shouted, and forty thousand head

of cattle thundered down on the tiny camp. The two men

rolled on the ground grappling beneath the murderous hooves.

A left and a right. A left. Another left and right. An

uppercut to the jaw. The fight was over. And so the ranch

was saved.

The young intern sat by himself in one corner of the

coffee shop. he had learned about medicine, but more

importantly, he had learned something about life.

THE END

*sniff* I laughed, I cried, I learned a little bit about myself. THAT, my friends, is writing.

So while I'm having all of these thoughts about peanuts, I'm also starving at work.. (typical) I walked over to the vending machine (completely atypical) to pick up some Swedish Fish. I put in my money, and instead of hitting the E and then the 10 button, I hit E and then 1 and then 0. However, to my surprise and chagrin, the machine wasn't waiting patiently for me to build a 10.. it saw E and 1 and went to town.

To my surprise, it dropped.....

......Peanuts.

Life is damned interesting sometimes.

I would like to take this moment to salute Charles M Schulz and all of the Peanuts crew. The life lessons I didn't learn from my Grandpa and Grandma, I learned from this crew.

Keep flying, Snoopy.. keep flying!

Buying a Home Is Like....

2008-09-09T14:43:00.006-06:00

From "Inane" by KMFDM

DON'T BLOW YOUR TOP NOW, HERE WE GO !

KMFDM - WHAT'S THE DEAL
YOU'RE SO NAIVE, COME ON GET REAL !

KMFDM - FOR WHAT YOUR MONEY CAN BUY
LEAVE YOUR ANGST BEHIND AND FLY SKY-HIGH !

Yeah, so, we're buying a house. Ugh. However, I figured out the perfect metaphor for it.. I mean, sure we've all HEARD the metaphor, but now I finally understand it:

You start off nice and flat and you think "Heck, this'll be cake!"... Next thing you know there's the drop off.. "WHAT? I need WHAT? WHAT?!?!!" And then comes the rise.. "Ahhh, ok, we're good now.. phwew, that was close!" And then you take a few minor drops.. "eeh.. eeeeeeh! EEEEHHH!" But after all of that you get good news and then you're back to "PHWEW, almost done now!" And then comes the loop de loop outta no-where..
"No loan? But.. but... Wait, a new loan? Wait.. an ARM? Wait.." At the end of that you're not only unsure what's going on and which way is up anymore, but now you're just flat out tired of being on the ride..
"Crikey, does this frickin' thing ever stop, I need to pee!" and then after that you just become detached from the things going on.. like you can see your body going up and down on the ride, but the things you've been through before were so extreme that these things just don't bother you anymore.. "Weee, I guess?"

And now, ahead of us we see that there are two tracks.. one track leads back to CERTAIN FIERY DEATH and the other track leads to the house..

*pant pant pant pant*

And part of you is just like "Hell with it.. I don't care where I end up, just want off the ride!" Though even though you say it, you think "Well, ok, I care a lot, but I feel tougher saying things like Hell With It.."

Apparently the process for buying a home used to be more .... intuitive. Still pretty whimsical, but somewhat logical. In other words, the loan officer used to be able to contact the underwriter and explain things and provide information that would ultimately provide a more accurate picture of what the borrower is capable of.

Of course, the whole Fanny Mae and Freddie Mac situation was deteriorating rapidly when we were pushing our loan through underwriting. Maybe now that things have been seized things will return to normal? Maybe I'm optimistic, I don't know.

All I know is that it's been hard. It's hard having the rules change on you when you're 90% of the way through the process. It's hard when no one is notified until your loan just gets declined for a reason that didn't previously exist. It's hard living in limbo wondering if you're ever going to really find out.

In two months from now, when we're comfortably in the new place with a huge amount of celebrating and debauchery behind us, we'll look back on this and chuckle. We'll call up our loan officer and realtor for some drinks and have laugh ourselves silly.

..... but for now we wait. And... hope!

Tee to the Hee, Baby..

2008-08-22T08:40:00.004-06:00

From "Lose Yourself" by Eminem

You better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You want it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime you better,

No more games, I'ma change what you call rage
Tear this mothaf**kin roof off like 2 dogs caged
I was playin in the beginnin, the mood all changed
I been chewed up and spit out and booed off stage
But I kept rhymin and stepwritin the next cypher
Best believe somebody's payin the pied piper
All the pain inside amplified by the fact
That I can't get by with my 9 to 5

My team of ninjas stole this post idea from Darwin's Apostle. Sorting the iTunes action. Weeee!

First Song: ABC -Jackson Five
Last Song: Zuviel Hitze -Falco

First Artist: A-Ha
Last Artit: 999

Shortest Song: The National Anthem -Radiohead (:03)
Longest Song: Amnesia and Pacha in Ibiza -Danny C (42:43)

First Album Title: A_decade_of_hits (69-79) -Allman Brothers
Last Album Title: Zoot Suit Riot -Cherry Poppin' Daddies

Top 5 Played Songs:
Lucretia My Reflection -Sisters of Mercy
More -Sisters of Mercy
When I Needed You Most -Erasure
Get Down Make Love -Nine Inch Nails
When She Begins to Rock -Social Distortion

Most Recently Added 5 Songs:
Authority Zero's "12:34"
Authority Zero's "A Passage in Time"
Flobots "Fight Without Tools"
Jack Off Jill "Humid Teenage Mediocrity"
Katy Perry "One of the Boys"

Find “sex” – how many songs show up? 138
Find “death” –how many songs show up? 76
Find “love” – how many songs show up? 886

How many songs? 17477
How many days? 55
Number of gigs? 101.46

It ALMOST Happened in the Shower...

2008-08-21T10:16:00.004-06:00

From "Standing in the Shower Thinking" by Jane's Addiction

Standing in the shower thinking
About what makes a man
An outlaw or a leader
I'm thinking about power...
The ways a man could use it
Or be destroyed by it

So I was standing in the shower thinking this morning.. Thinking, man, I wish I could sing. I mean really sing. Just belt it out! And then I thought.. Man, I wish I could dance too.. Not just do the hawt bear hug, but I mean DANCE!! You know.. CRAZY dance. Like Kevin Bacon from Footloose..

I suddenly realized I was clutching the bar of soap like a microphone with my eyes closed and my face pushed up under the water..

...Like in Flashdance.. with that hot lady with the legwarmers who did that buck wild run around the entire auditorium dance.. Yeahhh.. jumpin'!! Yeaaaahhhh slidin'!!

And suddenly I realized I was humming "JUMP" by the Pointer Sisters... and my feet were going up and down like I was jogging in place.. But I wasn't just humming, I was humming into the bar of soap, eyes still closed..

Your eyes tell me how you love me
Can feel it in your heart beat
I know you like what you see
Hold me, I'll give that you need
Wrap your love around me
You're so excited, I can feel you
Getting hotter, oh baby
I'll take you down, I'll take you down
Where no one's ever gone before
And if you want more, if you want more
More, more, more

Jump for my love
Jump in and feel my touch
Jump you want to taste my kisses
In the night then

Except, I only know about every third word or so.. so I'm humming, and singing into my soap before I realized that I was practically shouting whenever it came to the world JUMP!

And then it got to the MORE MORE MORE part (I wasn't singing it in order, *sigh*) and I did huge jumps and practically screamed it. On the very last "MORE", when I was at the highest point of my jump.. the soap squirted out of my hands and hit the side of the shower with a dull thump..

I opened my eyes into the searing hot water, and I realized I can't sing or dance. But MAN can I hum!

..............Jump.. for my love!

WwwooooooooooOOoo Podcast

2008-08-18T11:45:00.003-06:00

From "People are Strange" by The Doors

People are strange when you're a stranger
Faces look ugly when you're alone
Women seem wicked when you're unwanted
Streets are uneven when you're down
When you're strange

Yes!! It's back!! The Podcast!! Starting now, starting new.. I'm so excited I can't stand it.

Subscribe here using itunes or your favorite podcast application: http://feeds.feedburner.com/StartingNowGamingPodcast.

WoooOooOOoOooooo

An Ode To DMAC -

2008-08-08T16:40:00.004-06:00

From "Dungeons and Dragons" by The Dead Ale-wives

Graham: Fine fine you attack the darkness. there’s an elf in front of you.
Picard: Whoa! That’s me right?
Graham: He’s wearing a , h, uh brown tunic and he has gray hair and blue eyes.
Picard: No I don’t, I have gray eyes.
Graham: Let me see that sheet.
Picard: Well it says I have, well it says I have blue but I decided I wanted gray eyes.
Graham: Whatever, ok, you guys can talk to each other now if you want.
Galstaff: Hello.
Picard: Hello.

Several years ago, we had the excellent fortune of befriending a fantastic up-and-coming artist named DMAC. He frequented our site, checked out our podcast and was an all around A-1 kind of guy..

Well, he liked what he heard about some of the characters involved in one of our games, and he offered to draw up the characters for me.

I stumbled across these pictures not long ago and was reminded of how skilled he is!

Here they are again for your viewing pleasure.

PS - these are based off of characters that I've played in various RPGs..

This is his rough draft of The Greek Grappler.. Fun character idea, but never went anywhere.. Even in rough form, this is amazing work!
Here she is in her final version. He wanted her to look oiled up for some wrasslin. =)
This is the rough draft of Scrap, who was another character that actually got a little air time. He was built with scraps and pieces of other fallen warforged..
Here's the final version. What's amazing to me is how well he understood exactly what I was talking about when I described the character. He seemed to "Feel" it.

Ahhh, good times, good times. Thank you DMAC

Daaaay-aaaaaamn

2008-08-07T08:32:00.006-06:00

From "Summertime Rolls" by Jane's Addiction

She sings a song and
I listen to what it says:
If you want a friend
Feed any animal...
There was so much space
I cut me a piece
With some fine wine
It brought peace to my mind
In the summertime...
And it rolled

So many things to do, so little time. Evertime I look around, more of summer's gone!

We've started talking about the Podcast again. A slightly different line-up and a slightly different agenda, but WOOOOOO, Podcasting again. Go us!

Corissa and I have fallen in love with Ice Skating. Seriously. Yeah, it doesn't SOUND manly until you see me ice scating on katanas, rather than skates while fighting off a live grizzly bear!! We'd like to take lessons, but out schedule's so crazy it's hard to make time.

There's this seriously cute Asian girl that has been there both times we've gone. She's an amazing skater and a really funny person. She's trying to show me how to skate, but that mostly ends up with me giving her dirty looks as I pick myself up off the ice (to the sweet sound of her giggling.. ). I'm telling you folks, she'll be big one day.. BIG. Well, a teeeensy sort of big, but still!

We're starting to practice music again. I watched a video by Cavedoll the other day, and the bassist is just too freakin cool for words. (actually, the band is freakin cool, and if you want to hear a very well phrased review of them from someone who has seen them live, go to Jere's Page HERE!). However, if you just want to experience the band firsthand from the safety of your PC, go HERE.. There's a list of songs there as long as my arm that you can peep into.

Of special note is their version of Mountain Song, by Jane's Addiction.. Hubbah..

We've got our first pseudo gig on the 15th.. specifically we're going camping and taking some acoustic instruments and jamming a bit. I'm looking forward to it. However, seeing her rock out with Cavedoll makes me ask the Pick vs No Pick question.

PS - as an aside, I found out about this band through Jere. I loved what I heard so I rushed out and google-stalked the hell out of them. It occurred to me that they'd love more publicity, so I added Knesses (The female vocals for the band) myspace page to my links. After thinking about it, I thought it was a bit presumptious to do so, considering they don't know me from Adam (except that I'm MUCH more charming...) and that it was her personal page.

I did this because her page talked about the band, about songs, tours and merchandise and was pretty groovy. However, considering my newness to Blogging, it occurred to me that maybe I was committing some horrible faux pas, and the very folks who I'm admiring might think me a schmuck.

Ergo I've removed the link, but will post more spiffy links to their actual band site. Everyone wins and I avoid a potential creepy fanboi situation.

Phwew!! This Blogging can be a complicated business folks! And now, back to the remainder of my post, already in progress

NEXT, we're trying to buy a house. If you've ever done it before, then you know that this is one of the single most intimidating ventures ever.. Finding a good deal on a great place in a fantastic area is harder and harder to do, and I'm on a budget!!! Luckily, we've got some good friends who handle the Loan side and the Realtor side of the House Hunt.. so they've been giving us advice a go go!!

Life is fantastic, people. Every now and then you just need to stop and eat a few of the roses!!

Turd Baby. Rar.

2008-07-31T14:36:00.004-06:00

From "Shitlist" by L7

For all the ones
Who bum me out
Shitlist
For all the ones
Who fill my head with doubt
Shitlist
For all the squares who get me pissed
Shitlist
You've made my shitlist

Dear Taiwanese Peoples at Bitobi.com,

I am very interested in finding out what opportunities there are for my very own Turd Baby. I don’t need a big Turd Baby, figuring I’ll start small and just build onto it as I go. I hear bigger Turd Babies can be harder to manage, so I would realllly put my back into making my little Turd Baby the best that it could be.

I would be willing to start on my Turd Baby dream this very afternoon with additional guidance from you. I don’t want to mess up my first Turd Baby, after all. I mean, ideally there would be a Turd Baby in every household across America, but until people really start to sniff out our product, I’ll have to settle for a Turd Baby in every town.

Please reply back with anything you feel that would help my Turd Baby grow into something amazing and breathtaking. I’d hate for my Turd Baby to reek of amateur, after all. I WANT THIS TURD BABY TO COME FROM MY HEART, and I do NOT want it to be half-assed!

Sincerely dreaming about my own Turd Baby right now,

Joshua Butterfield

PS - thank you to Soubriquet for the correction!

No Handlebars

2008-07-24T11:05:00.004-06:00

From "No Handlebars" by the Flobots

I can ride my bike with no handlebars
No handlebars
No handlebars

I can ride my bike with no handlebars
No handlebars
No handlebars

Look at me, look at me
hands in the air like it's good to be
ALIVE
and I'm a famous rapper
even when the paths're all crookedy
I can show you how to do-si-do
I can show you how to scratch a record
I can take apart the remote control
And I can almost put it back together
I can tie a knot in a cherry stem
I can tell you about Leif Ericson
I know all the words to "De Colores"
And "I'm Proud to be an American"
Me and my friend saw a platypus
Me and my friend made a comic book
And guess how long it took
I can do anything that I want cuz, look:

I can keep rhythm with no metronome
No metronome
No metronome

I can see your face on the telephone
On the telephone
On the telephone

Look at me
Look at me
Just called to say that it's good to be
ALIVE
In such a small world
All curled up with a book to read
I can make money open up a thrift store
I can make a living off a magazine
I can design an engine sixty four
Miles to a gallon of gasoline
I can make new antibiotics
I can make computers survive aquatic conditions
I know how to run a business
And I can make you wanna buy a product
Movers shakers and producers
Me and my friends understand the future
I see the strings that control the systems
I can do anything with no assistance
I can lead a nation with a microphone
With a microphone
With a microphone
I can split the atoms of a molecule
Of a molecule
Of a molecule

Look at me
Look at me
Driving and I won't stop
And it feels so good to be
Alive and on top
My reach is global
My tower secure
My cause is noble
My power is pure
I can hand out a million vaccinations
Or let'em all die in exasperation
Have'em all healed of their lacerations
Have'em all killed by assassination
I can make anybody go to prison
Just because I don't like'em and
I can do anything with no permission
I have it all under my command
I can guide a missile by satellite
By satellite
By satellite
and I can hit a target through a telescope
Through a telescope
Through a telescope
and I can end the planet in a holocaust
In a holocaust
In a holocaust
In a holocaust
In a holocaust
In a holocaust

I can ride my bike with no handlebars
No handle bars
No handlebars

I can ride my bike with no handlebars
No handlebars
No handlebars

Wow.

I mean wow. You can quote me on that, son. Wow!

No Handlebars - The Video!

This catchy and seemingly innocuous song is really actually a powerful political statement. As is much of the rest of their CD. However, to reallllly understand the message, check out the video.

Two friends start off riding bikes together. They get to the city and notice that there are two directions.. One is POWER and the other is PEACE. They embrace and start walking down the different paths..

As the video progresses, the power man grows in strength and power, while the peace man sighs and shakes his head at the direction the world is taking under the care of his former friend.

Finally the peaceful man starts rounding up the disenfranchised and leading them to protest the powerful man, who is giving a very dictator-esque sort of speech (reminiscent of another of history's all time low-life's..). The powerful man is surrounded by riot troops with automatic weapons.

Next thing you know, the troops are opening fire on the protestors as the song speaks about holocaust.

You see the peaceful man get shot, and slump down to the ground, dying to the opening lines of the song..

Holy shit.

I loved Rage Against the Machine, and their message (though I'm not saying that I'm alllll about the political music..) but they lacked subtlety, they pretty much beat you over the head with their message until it oozed out of your cracked skull.

These guys have done it.. They've really done it!! Metaphors, symbolism and a catchy tune.. It doesn't make me angry to listen to it, it makes me think. And THAT is far more important to long term change than anger.

Just my two cents, baby..

Undead Soup - Can You Dig It?

2008-07-18T12:43:00.008-06:00

From "Bloodletting" by Concrete Blonde

There's a crack in the mirror
and a bloodstain on the bed -
There's a crack in the mirror
and a bloodstain on the bed -
O you were a vampire and baby
I'm the walking dead
O you were a vampire and baby
I'm the walking dead

Just a quick message to say; check out Undead Soup!! This is a site dedicated to all things awesome.

Trust me, you'll dig it. Well, trust me, **I** dig it..

PS - speaking of which, here's more zombie goodness.. If you're in SLC around 8/10 and want to lurch around and bite people, check THIS out!!!

The Salt Lake City Suicide Dog....

2008-07-14T13:19:00.003-06:00

From "Meat is Murder" by the Smiths

Heifer whines could be human cries
Closer comes the screaming knife
This beautiful creature must die
This beautiful creature must die
A death for no reason
And death for no reason is murder

Oh thank heaven...

One of my single greatest and guiltiest pleasures in life is the SLC Suicide Dog from 7-11. Nothing fills me up, and tickles ye olde tastebuds quite like it..

So what exactly is the SLC Suicide Dog? Easy!

STEP ONE-
As the hot dogs (for their own safety) have moved behind bullet-proof plexiglass, you need to ask for the 1/4 pound big bite. When this gets handed to you, be SURE to test the bun and dog itself. The bun needs to be soft, without being soggy and the dog needs to be hot all the way through.

hint - a professional Dogger can determine whether or not the hot dog is ready by the color of its skin.. If it looks pink it's probably not done.. The longer it cooks, the darker it gets. By that note, if they're on the grill for TOO LONG you start to look like aged and wrinkly leather

STEP TWO- (the foundation)
If your 7-11 is equipped with a ketchup and mustard squirtation device(tm), a good solid squirt of both are in order. Be sure that the squirt runs the length of the dog! If only packets are available, a single packet of each should do the trick.

hints - where you place the aforementioned squirts can greatly change your dog. Remember, this IS THE FOUNDATION of your flavor. If you place it on the bun, you run the chance of muting your flavor a bit more, so I recommend placing your squirtage on the dog itself.

Also - the amount of squirtage varies with taste.. it doesn't take much mustard to overwhelm the other flavors present on the dog. I recommend starting with the single squirt and experimenting from there.

STEP THREE- (Bells and Whistles)
This is where you can really cut loose. I'm posting the Official SLC Suicide Dog here, but I encourage you to experiment.

Take one heaping spoonful of relish from the condiment tray (or packets, if need be) and spread it evenly across the dog. Optimal positioning should put the relish in the crevice between dog and bun.

Next, take four evenly sized jalapeno pepper slices from the condiment tray and place them at even intervals along the top of the dog itself.

hint - Other options include hot sauces, onions, mayonaise, miracle whip, salsa etc.. However, be warned, each of these items dramatically alters the taste of your Suicide Dog. They also tend to dominate the other flavors.

STEP FOUR- (Finishing Touches..)
Your mouth is watering at this point, and you're not sure the delicious meal in your hands will survive long enough to get to the counter, let alone another topping. But let me ask you this; how much of a piece of art was the Mona Lisa without her smile? Exactly!! Read on, friend, and soon you'll be digging in!

This step takes a bit of pre-work. You see the longer the Chili and Cheese machines sit there, the more likely you are to have a gross "Chilicicle" or "Cheesecicle" on the spout. To remedy this situation, just take a napkin off of the nearby shelf and take a swipe at each of the spouts.

That done, you are now free and clear. You can now drop a swipe of cheese and chili (again, matching the length of the dog). Timing can be a bit tricky to keep the chili and cheese evenly distributed, but rest assured, gentle reader, it will come with time.

In conclusion..

To the casual observer the SLC Suicide Dog looks like a chili cheese dog. However, one bite into it and your tastebuds will know the difference. The relish, mustard and ketchup should blend to form a subtle base while the jalapeno gives it a delicious kick. The chili and cheese should sit with you for a few seconds after each bite, reminding you of happier days at Weinerschnitzel with mum and dad.

Last Words -

I hate to sound like a fanboy, but there's a deal right now at my local 7-11 that gives you a Big Gulp AND a 1/4 pound big bite for only TWO DOLLARS!!

Wow.

You heard it here first people!! Happy munching!

Blog You, Pal!

2008-06-19T14:22:00.001-06:00

From "Changes" by Davide Bowie..

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Don't tell t hem to grow up and out of it
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Where's your shame
You've left us up to our necks in it
Time may change me
But you can't trace time

So it's been a while. A lot has gone on in my world. Life has been as sweet a fruit as I've ever tasted, lately. But.. not completely without worms.

Over the past few weeks and months I've come to realize a few things:

I'm not really at a crossroads in my life. Or, more accurately, every day is a crossroad with choices taking me one direction OR another. I mean.. well... duh, right? Sometimes I tend to get so focused on every second of my life that when I have to make a big decision it feels like "THE BIG DECISION OF MY LIFE".

As Corissa would say.. "Oh brother!"

Also, I'm not a quitter. I don't give up on the things that are really important to me. Sometimes it takes a bit to figure out the hierarchy of importance, but once I understand what means what.. I don't have a problem acting on them.

Blah blah blah.. right? I know.. it's not very interesting. However, this is that catharsis thing again. There.. I've gotten it out of my system.. I feel better!

One thing that bothered me was; I didn't have a 'niche' to write about in my BLOG. So far it's been cranial diarrhea, which can't be terribly interesting to you.. no matter how therapeutic it may be for me.

So what's going on?

1) The Job Hunt Continues! Yes, I'm still searching for that perfect job. I'd love to own my own business.. maybe a restaurant, or a book store, call center consulting.. But I'd settle for an Operations Manager role somewhere.

2) Corissa. Woo!

3) Friends. I've jumped back into my Friday night thing, which reconnects me with a group of friends I hadn't touched base with much over the past few months. I'm excited to see my friends again. Corissa is incredibly willing to mingle with my friends, and they universally love her. Consequently, we've had our hands full with BBQ's, hiking, UFC fights and just random get togethers.

4) Did I Mention This Is The Best Summer Evar? I'm active again. In my marriage I turned into a sea slug. My milky white complexion was only ever darkened by anger at becoming a sea slug.

THIS summer though, we've spent time at the pool, time at the tennis courts, time in the gym again, time hiking..

5) Room-mates. I've invited an old friend of mine to live with us. He's an excellent room-mate, and it's a pleasure having him around. He loves Corissa and Beekus and Minnie. He mocks me incessantly and he's very conscientious. Now if only we could find him a girlfriend..

6) Goodbye, Lucy, goodbye. I traded in my car for something infinitely more practical, but something infinitely less gorgeous. *sigh* Here's Lucy in all of her glory (say goodbye..)

And here's "Elsie" I don't know why that name fits, or why the hell I had to name her anyhow, except.. well, it fits. Hello, Elsie!

So that's what's been going on.. in short, life is good. However, that still leaves the niche. What am I an expert on? Well, it would be vanity to believe I knew more than anyone else about many subjects, but here's what I LOVE:

GAMING (RPG, Table Top, Board Game, Computer / XBOX)
SEX
MUSIC
TRIPPING THE 'GEEK' FANTASTIQUE

When we did the podcast, long ago, one of my favorite things was answering questions sent in by fellow gamers. I loved it!! I've tossed around the idea of answering game related questions here, but I don't know how well the BLOG environment lends itself to that.

I've been Roleplaying and gaming in general for much much more than half my life. I have been doing it for just over 19 years now. This doesn't make me an expert, but it does give me a lot of experiences to draw from.

My speciality is the ability to whip up ideas for a quick game, or a campaign or a short multi session thing. My other speciality is coming up with character ideas.

What do you think? Can this work? Would YOU send me a question?

Don't make me an angry sea slug, people.. you wouldn't like me when I'm angry!!

Corissssssssssssssssaaaaaahhhh

2008-06-13T09:36:00.000-06:00

From "Girlfriend is Better" by The Talking Heads

I got a girlfriend thats better than that
Now everyones getting involved
Shes moving up going right through my heart
We might not ever get caught
Going right through (try to stay cool) going through, staying cool
I got a girlfriend thats better than that
And nothing is better than you

As promised here's my entry on my girlfriend. I've struggled with this one, because it's important to get it right.. So here goes!!

First of all, and most importantly, she's my best friend and confidant. I'm talking "help me hide these bodies" level of best friend. Someone I trust with every secret I have, someone I feel comfortable having a key to my apartment, someone I can tell all of my woes to and know I'm going to get some love back.

She's got a great heart and the quality of her friends reflects it. They LOVE her! Though now that I think about it, I've never met anyone that hasn't been completely smitten with her the second they meet her.

She's comfortable in every setting with every type of person. Believe me, there's something daunting about being in a room with 15 hard-core gamers. She does it and still wins their hearts.

I've never met a person who is so innately good at everything. I'd be irritated with her beating me at everything if I wasn't so damned proud of her. I was formerly the king of Scrabble, but that crown has been taken and the funny thing is, I just don't mind. Whenever we play she gets this incredibly serious look on her face as she concentrates on the next 65 point word. (no, seriously folks.. she's that good!)

With all of her innate skill, it's funny to me that she's so hard on herself. I guess everyone is most critical of themselves, and she's no exception.

She's equally at home behind the wheel of a four-wheeler or dirt bike, as she is behind the microphone warbling tunes in her sweet voice. She can fish, hike, write poetry, watch plays, eat sushi, beat me at cribbage, relax and watch a movie, play tennis, sing songs to cats in their own language and still end the day with a kiss for me.

She's the most amazing girl in the world!

I've had to fight to keep her. We've had our ups and downs. I'm a natural worrier and an attention / love sponge. She left a relationship where she was always on her own to one with me where we're always together.. I'm the biggest sex junkie I know of. I'm not perfect and I never will be, but my love for her is perfect.

I'm also a bit of an anachronism, and am never quite in style. And she's (unintentionally) incredibly stylish. She just looks at me, rolls her eyes and tries valiantly to bring me out of the 80's.

She is understanding of me gaming, and encourages me to do what I want when I want to. She's honest with me and direct with me whenever I ask a question..

Her deep beautiful eyes are the last thing I see before I go to sleep, and her crazy hair fraggles are the first thing I see in the morning.

Speaking of her beauty, she is built like a greek goddess.. Piercing eyes, a smile that can be bold and crazy or wicked with just a small change of her lips. She's the perfect height to put her head on my shoulder when we dance, which we sometimes do to hummed music in my apartment. Her legs are that sexy combination of voluptuous and athletic that is every man's dream.

I hope I don't sound like a stalker or fanatic. I think this is what love is supposed to be like.

I hope so. =)

WTF? (AKA Only In Utah)

2008-06-11T13:44:00.001-06:00

True story. I was walking into the local grocery store, on a mission of mercy, when I overheard this cute little kid and her big burly nine-foot-four-inch father's conversation:

(NOTE: This is word for word to the best of my recollection.. )

Kid: Daddy, I want a treat
Dad: You’ll get what I get you and you be thankful
Kid: Daddy, you always get me poo, I don’t want poo
Dad: I don’t get you poo, you just eat it on your own.. hush now, Daddy’s thinkin’.
Kid: Are you thinkin’ about my treat or about poo?
Dad: Dammit, your treat is to eat for two weeks, daddy’s thinkin’ about huntin’
Kid: (mostly to herself) All I ever get is poo.

Crazy Enough to Be Awesome

2008-06-11T13:35:00.000-06:00

Ludo.

Dig it:

Found on Christy's BLOG: Degenerate Elite

Thanks Jere..

2008-06-10T15:50:00.001-06:00

While perusing my friend's blog, I found all of this stuff. I thought I'd bore the crap out of you with my answers. Buckle up my friends!

6 weird things about me:

I am a midnight snacker. About half of the time I don't even know I do it, I just wake up in the morning to one helluva mess in the kitchen and crumbs in the bed.\
I'm sub-consciously superstitious. I don't know why or how or when it began, but I just can't escape the fact that I am.
I was reading before I was talking or walking. (which, before you ask, is NOT enough to earn a Nobel Peace Prize.. Trust me, I already checked into it..)
There are two things that I'll try at any restaraunt I go to- Key Lime Pie and Spicy Buffalo Wings.
I am completely and utterly (unabashedly) addicted to Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
When I was in high school, I thought I was Edgar Allen Poe reincarnated.

Threes:

Three Names You Go By: Josh, Muffin and Joshua
Three Screen Names You Have: Raging Swede, The Swede, Joshuabslc
Three Things You Like About Yourself: My giving personality, my ability to have fun doing damned near anything and my ability (and willingness) to express myself.
Three Things You Dislike About Yourself: My inability to be concise at times. my age and my inability to just turn off my brain.
Three Parts of Your Heritage: Awesome, more awesome and amazingly, somehow MORE awesome.
Three Things That Scare You: Growing old alone, whitey tighties and bad beer!
Three Everyday Essentials: Corissa, Lucy and Coffee.
Three Things You're Wearing Right Now: A sardonic smile, boxer shorts with little red race cars on them and new Levis!
Three Favorite Bands/Artists: Talking Heads, Franz Ferdinand and Sisters of Mercy.
Three Favorite Songs at Present: MLWTTKK's "Leathersex", Goldfrapp's "Ooh La La" and the Beatles "Falling"
Three Things You Want To Try And Do In The Next Twelve Months: Become my own boss, travel outside the US with Corissa and get into a house!
Three Things You Want In A Relationship: Excellent conversation, deep and sincere love and the kind of sex you just never get bored with!
Two Truths And A Lie: I'm dyslexic, I've had Lasic surgery and I once owned a car named "Hot Rod the Buddhist Battlewagon"
Three PHYSICAL Things About The Opposite Sex That Appeal To You: Eyes, a nice ass and sweet glorious hair!
Three Things You Just Can't Do: Can't pass up a kiss first thing in the morning, to hell with the consequences, can't leave well enough alone and can't pass up Key Lime Pie..
Three Favorite Hobbies: Gaming, Music and reading.
Three Things I Want To Do Really Bad Right Now: Turn back the clock 8 hours and crawl back into bed, take the roof down on my car and cruise like the wind and did I mention crawling into bed? Yeah.. well..
Three Careers You Have Considered: Stunt man, Trucker, Teacher.
Three Places You Want To Go On Vacation: Japan, Scotland and Hawaii.
Three Kid's Name You Have Considered: Mums, The and Word
Three Things You Want To Do Before You Die: become a world class chef, write my own book and re-learn to dance all of the big ballroom dances!
Three People Who Have To Take This Quiz Now: Hehe, there'd have to be 3 people who read the blog. So instead, I'd be interested to see Corissa's answers, Sean's answers and Hoffamunches answers..

I Hate Shia LaBeouf

2008-05-27T15:12:00.000-06:00

Hi everyone, I'm Chris and I used to podcast with Josh. He said it would be ok for me to guest post on his blog, which is really nice because I've got something I've got to get off my chest.

I hate Shia LaBeouf.

I hate him. I hate his beady eyes, I hate his name, I hate his ultra-boyish good looks, and I really hate him with a beard.

I hate that he gets lots of work even though he has no acting talent. Every time he's on screen I'm pulled out of the movie's fantasy and I see not "Sam Witwicky" or "Mutt Williams" but I see ... Shia.

I'll never believe he's anyone but Shia because he never acts like anyone but Shia. It's like needles in my eyes. Put him and Katie Holmes on screen together and unless they're playing themselves in the shockumentary "Why Katie Married a Nutjob" I'd rather poke my eyes out with an empty box of Junior Mints than watch.

How does he make a career out of shouting "NONONONONONONononononoNONONONOnonoNOnonONONONO" over and over again? I'm not exaggerating either:

How irritating it must be to hang out with him.

"Hey Shia, wanna get some burgers?"

"NONONONONONONOnnononononoNONOononononoNONO!!!"

"Would you like fries with that?"

"nonononononononNONONONONONONO!!"

But most of all, I hate him for being involved in the ruining of my beloved childhood properties!

How dare someone born in 1986 get more screen time in TRANSFORMERS "the movie" than OPTIMUS F'ING PRIME! Someone younger than the invention of NEW COKE shouldn't be crowding out Indiana Jones for half of the INDIANA JONES MOVIE!

And for his his greatest crime, allow me to take you there:

One day Shia went to the green screen set, pushed open he door that read "Indiana Jones 4 Filming", sat his ass down in a canvas chair with his name printed on the back. Stephen Spielberg walked up to him ran over what they were going to shoot that afternoon. Mr. Speilberg layed out that in this scene Shia was to (spoiler alert) swing on vines with a bunch of cgi monkeys in a jungle (here's the best part) and one of the monkeys has the same 50's haircut as Shia's character does.

Instead of giving one of the correct responses which would have been:

a: "Have you lost your f'n mind you washed-up, goiter-licking, tea-bagging, turd-burglar?" followed by burning down said green screen studio with everyone in it

or

b: His catch-phrase "NONONONONONONONONONONONONONO NO NO!"

or

c: Kicking Stephen in the nuts.

Shia said, "Yessir!" and single-handedly flushed the Indy franchise down the toilet to join it's ruined brethren Star Wars ep. 1-3.

I think destroying two of my favorite 80's properties is just about enough. G.I. Joe is slated to come out next year, Thundercats has a project page on imdb.com and I've been seeing interviews with the guy who's writing He-Man. Would I like to see Shia within 100 yards of any of these productions?

NONONONONONONONOnononononononoNONONONONONONONO!!!!!

(The opinions expressed are mine and do not necessarily reflect those of Josh or Blogger.com)

To Read, To Hear, To Watch.. I Command It

2008-05-27T10:51:00.000-06:00

Tired of what the radio has to offer lately? Sick of the same old CD's? Fear not, O dedicated reader, I have the cure for what ails you!! Here's a bite sized segment of some off the beaten track tunes and videos guaranteed to make you wish you were born with more ears!

Yes, gentle readers, I'm talkin' about..... Music:

Check out Franz Ferdinand. 90% of the songs on both of their full length CD's are catchy, poppy, fun and chock full of energy. You may have heard this bad boy, or maybe this one.. Goofy videos, but damn, these guys get under your skin!

OR

Goldfrapp. Ooh La La is right! This is the finest "electroclash" band I've encountered to date. The lead singers voice melts down some of the cold brittle feel of electroclash. I'm sure it's only a matter of days before someone comes up with a new musical category for these guys..

Interested in hearing more electroclash, or just want to read about some of the hippest new artists? Check for new stuff on Jere's Blog here!

So you want strange and maybe not terribly well known in the US? Try these on for size... Nephew.. Or The Rasmus, HIM and Apocolyptica (GO FINLAND!).. Tired of Evanescence, try Nightwish.. Holly "hubbbbba" Valence.. Kate Ryan.. Alizee..

So you're sick of the new stuff because it's got no soul, well, friend, look no further!! Collected here are some of the best of the best from the past. Don't be shy, click away....

Talking Heads -

The Cure -

Social Distortion

Oingo Boingo -

Sisters of Mercy -

The Cult -

Special thanks to YouTube for existing!

Sorry for all the embedding.. We now return you to your regularly scheduled program, already in session!

Starting Now... A Few Years Later... PART TWO!

2008-05-22T13:41:00.000-06:00

(( ... continued ))

As it turned out, all we needed were a few cheesy "McDonalds Drive Thru" headsets, a nearby computer and a penchant to ramble. He explained that we would try to plan out a thing or two to discuss and hopefully share our AWESOME gaming experiences and wisdom with listeners.

.... not that we believed there would be any.

So next week, we sat there with a circa 1937 microphone, enough cables and wiring to gag a mule and a plan. The plan consisted of Chris pointing at people and giving them frantic gestures to get them to pipe up and contribute.

Well, that in itself isn't very interesting, but what IS interesting is that I LOVED IT! I was instantly our Podcast's #1 fan. I started calling myself "The Shark" just because it sounded tough, mysterious and.... well.... sharky!!

Pretty soon I was bogarting the microphone with the best of them. We talked about what games we were playing, how we created characters, why we gamed, women, booze, movies and dang near everything that popped into our heads! We recorded these for ourselves, but soon realized that people were listening to us.

....Wow.

People started writing to us asking questions, requesting advice, and just overall wanting to contribute to the podcast. To handle all of this, Chris built a website and forums for us.. Now people could interact with us directly. To me, this was the single coolest thing I'd ever been a part of.. I was experiencing an almost perpetual multimediagasm!

I still experience the ticklepee-pees just thinking about some of the cool folks we interacted with on a regular basis. Brilliant people. Creative people. Down to Earth people.. People from across the world (we had listeners in Denmark and Eastern Europe... no kidding!) I still run into some of these people even now.

However, all good things must end. Scheduling conflicts, internal strife, divorce and other factors slowly prevented us from getting together and podcasting. Our listeners slowly drifted away to look for more active Podcasts, and we just kind of stopped. There was no speech given, no eulogies read... just silence.

But, it's STILL in there.. It's an itch under my skin that I can't figure out how to scratch. It's a nagging in the back of my mind... "Jeez, that would be awesome to 'Cast about.." I wonder what our listeners are listening too right now, and if I'd enjoy it too..

But most of all, I just wanted to cram as much of life into my mouth at once as possible...

RIP, Starting Now.

PS - Thanks to Miked! for inspiring me to reminisce about the show..

Starting Now... A few years later... Part One

2008-05-20T13:32:00.000-06:00

Several years ago, in another life, a truly brilliant friend of mine suggested that we break into the brand spanking new world of podcasting. Our responses were a clear signal of how progressive minded our group was.. It went something like this:

What the hell is a Podcast? Why the hell should we do it? Will this cut into gaming time? HELL no! Can we make money doing it? Is it going to be work?

However, as I mention this, I realize that I've started this story in the middle. Let me take a step even further back..

**the air shimmers into flashback montage mode**

You see, I am a gamer. I'm not ashamed at all, I LOVE gaming. I love the people that game, I love my contributions to gaming and I love damned near every element of gaming. I play board games, card games, roleplaying games, computer games.. you name it, I play it.

Like every other element of culture, the people who game tend to gravitate towards others who game. Eventually, in many cases, you develop a "group". A group of gamers tend to share certain fundamental beliefs about gaming.... for the most part.

Anyhow, I have known my current groups for many years. At this point I'm really good friends with pretty much all of the folks I game with. We don't just hang out to game, we socialize in all other elements of our lives. So, there's a pretty strong bond there that lasts even longer than the gaming itself, as some people change their views on gaming in general. (Hang on, I'm SOOO almost back to the story at hand.. honest!)

So our gaming group, we'll call them TaNGG (Tuesday Night Gaming Group..) met weekly. The night consisted of an hour of BS'ing, 3 hours of solid gaming, a half hour of post coital BS'ing and then back to our normal lives.

One of our members, The Hoffmangler (AKA Mistah "H", AKA Hoffamunch AKA Chris..) is always on the cutting edge of whatever fad is coming our way. He ALWAYS inflicts this fad on us ruthlessly (for our own good) and then loses interest in the blink of an eye.

**Josh snaps awake, quickly wiping drool off his chin and forcing his eyes into what he hopes is an alert demeanor**

RIGHT!!

So, there we are.. Wondering what the hell Podcasting was all about, and what it would take to distract Chris from his "dream" of being real live podcasters.

(( To Be Continued.....))

TV

2008-05-12T14:18:00.000-06:00

I don't watch TV.

I haven't for almost 10 years now, I think. I have a TV, sure, and a ton of DVD's, but I don't watch it real time. It's funny how much of American culture I miss out on by cutting TV out of my life. Small things, big things and damned near every-thing in between.

I don't object to it in theory, or in practice, I just don't have time. Or - more specifically - I don't feel like making time for it. What would I cut? Tennis? Gaming with friends? Going out for Pho? Scrabble? Why trade a highly interactive form of entertainment for one that isn't?

As it turns out, there are quite a few things I'd love to see on TV. ROME, The Tudors, BattleStar Galactica, Heroes... All cool shows, that I'm going to end up owning on DVD anyhow. Then there's Buffy.. Ahhh, and the first few seasons of Angel. And the Dresden Files.. (anyone ever see that?) There's a TON of good TV that's not on TV anymore.

Why? Why do shows like Firefly get cut from the air, while shows like Everyone Loves Raymond last forever? To answer that, I'd have to introduce you to the great unwashed. The people who ultimately pay the TV stations to do what they do. The lowest common denominator. (Hey, I laughed at what I saw of Raymond myself, but there's a pretty big disparity, you have to admit...)

Of course, one can't talk about TV without talking about the growing cost of good programming. Cable is just flat out down-right expensive.

Bottom line? After a hard day in the office missing inside jokes about the latest sitcom I've never even heard of, I have nothing but whiskey, extra money and conversations with others to console me.

..... Hmmm, ya know, that doesn't sound half bad. ;)

Intermission...

2008-05-06T12:28:00.000-06:00

From me...

I die a little each time you leave..
And walk away from me.
And though I know, you'll come and go It's the coming I want to see!

I need to see your sparkling eyes,
I need to smell your skin!
I need to feel your arms around me,
And revel in our sin.

I need to hear I love you,
I need to see you smile,
'cause if you're away a single day,
I'm dying all the while.

Another....

I never thought I'd walk the moon,
or sail the seven seas.
I never thought I'd touch the clouds,
or ride upon the breeze!
I never thought I'd do these things,
A shame to never do,
But I never guessed I'd meet a girl,
I'd love like I love you!

Now every second I'm with you,
I feel like I can fly.
Like the moon crunches under every step,
That I could never die!
Every morning, every night and all the time between,
I think of your touch,
Your kiss,
Your smile,
And all the things we've seen!

I now believe in living dreams,
That wishes can come true..
I hardly care what tomorrow brings,
As long as it brings you.
So here's my love back at you, baby..
Wrapped in words that rhyme.
And as you read each metered verse,
Corissa,
Corissa,
My darling Corissa..
Your name, I'll say, a hundred times each day,
Until the end of time.

Another...

We order dinner in a high class restaurant,
Everyone here is so polite..
Fancy red flowers on a fancier tablecloth,
The place is lit with soft moonlight..

But it’s not the wine with an Italian name
It’s not the soft music that they play..
I know it’s not the dinner at all,
It’s the quiet things you say..

You whisper “oh, god, take my hand,
Hold me where the light won’t go..
Oh, god, take my hand..
Touch my body, take it slow..”

I have to guess what’s under the tablecloth..
Your legs are crossed so tight..
One finger traces lines around your glass..
Your other hand is hidden by night.

Your words are burned into my thoughts now..
Still too far away for me to hold.
You’re sliding down into your chair now..
The fancy restaurant slips away..

You whisper “oh, god, take my hand,
Hold me where the light won’t go..
Oh, god, take my hand..
Touch my body, take it slow..”

Finally, I’m touching you,
Where the light doesn’t dare to go.
Oh, god, I’m touching an angel..
Touching an angel, taking it slow..

You scream “OH GOD, That’s it, love!”
“Deeper now, there you go!
OH GOD, take me, baby..
Take me harder, take me slow.. ”

Another....

Nightfall on your shoulders, autumn in your eyes..
Summer’s color on your skin, lips are sunset skies
I’ll never tire of the changing seasons,
I’ll never bore of its touch.
I’ll never turn aside from the kind of things,
I’ve learned to love so much.

Raaaaaaaaagee!!

2008-05-05T13:53:00.000-06:00

Rage, baby! Pure uninhibited rage!!

I'm no sociologist, but I would wager that a big chunk of the anger and rage of the world comes from embarrassment. Knowing that you've let someone down, or that you've done something to make yourself or the ones you love look bad.

Humiliation!

How many wars, duels and fist-fights have broken out due to loss of face? Countless. Hell, I can't count all of the times that it's happened to me alone. Pride cometh before the fall. No shit.

What complicates the situation is when you are not sure if you should just move on past the thing that caused the embarrassment, or if you should go out of your way to apologize and fix the situation. There's a balance between "thinking things to death" and "not giving a rat's ass", but that balance is hard for some people to find.

I always always lean on the "thinking things to death" side of the fence. Doubly so when the initial embarrassment involved someone I care about.

None of this is new to any of you O astute readers, I realize. But stating it aloud makes me consider it carefully. Under the microscope so to speak. Mostly because I have always considered myself an emotionally mature person.

Maybe I am in the grand cosmic scheme of things.. but I keep finding areas to work on.. Improve.. This is pretty natural, I'm sure.. but I'm old now.. *points at the gray hairs*.. SEE? So I should be fixed by now, right?

Tuesday - The Other White Meat

2008-04-29T14:42:00.000-06:00

I don't even know what that means..

Never write when bored. Just don't. That boredom will just come out in your writing, boring others. And then, like some sort of plague, you spread your boredom across the land.

Well, not entirely true I guess. We Americans are very determined that if something isn't entertaining the shit out of us, we move on. So when you write, it had better have a purpose other than easing your own boredom.

1) Catharsis. Yep, a little bit of self healin' never hurt anyone.
2) Entertainment. Give the gift that keeps giving.. And no, not "D" cell batteries, you sick little monkey.
3) Education. Pass down your proud heritage through the written word.

Yay.

So then, O faithful reader, why do I insist on taking up my pen when I have so much time on my hands with nothing to do? Because there is a fourth reason to lift the quill....

4) PUNISHMENT. That just sounds hard-core. But here it is; truth and proof already. I am punishing you with my boredom.

*up on a balcony overlooking this Blog*

STATLER: Boo!
WALDORF: Boooo!
STATLER: That was the worst thing I’ve ever heard!
WALDORF: It was terrible!
STATLER: Horrendous!
WALDORF: Well it wasn’t that bad.
STATLER: Oh, yeah?
WALDORF: Well, there were parts of it I liked!
STATLER: Well, I liked alot of it.
WALDORF: Yeah, it was GOOD actually.
STATLER: It was great!
WALDORF: It was wonderful!
STATLER: Yeah, bravo!
WALDORF: More!
STATLER: More!
WALDORF: More!
STATLER: More!

(recklessly stolen from two of the finest gentle-puppets in history..)

But no, seriously folks, to the point. If a person writes entirely for themselves, I feel that what's written is usually ..... unavailable to the average reader. It's too private, too personal. I'm sure there are exceptions to this case, I'm positive in fact. But I know in many cases it's true.

It's the ultimate inside joke.

Here's an example.. a few years ago some friends and I decided to create a Podcast. We called it "Starting Now" and it's really a gaming / gamer Podcast designed to let our inner geeks roar.

Anyhow, when it was set up, I initially pictured myself as being the "rebel without a cause", I made my opinions known loud and proud. I was disdainful of other's thoughts and comments. I was obnoxious and .... well, downright awesome (see Statler and Waldorf comments above).

However, as time went on, I started to realize how 'fake' it was. I liked people and I cared what people thought of me, so why was I playing the jerk? And quite frankly, I hate being "That Guy". You know, the irritating one? So, as time went on, my "character" changed altogether to something that I felt I, as a listener, would have enjoyed more.

I don't know if it was successful or not, but I do know that here I am writing about it.

Go freedom of speech.

Why Waste It?

2008-04-24T14:44:00.000-06:00

So, I had another BLOG at one time, which in itself isn't very interesting. But at least one of the passages I wrote in it was interesting. So.. why waste it? That BLOG is going to be deleted because it's full of ... dumb things, but this one will live proudly on!!

So here it is, in all of its glory(tm)....

Mondays, Sweet and Blessed Mondays

Nothing to write about. Or, too much to write about. Either way, here I am.

First of all, I should tell you my name - I'm Josh Butterfield. A remarkably un-remarkable name. Whenever I see it written, I always feel like Charlie Brown. Of all the Josh Butterfields of the world, I'm the Josh Butterfieldest. *sigh*

I'm going to pause here for a second since I see some of you in the back are taking notes.. (good on-ya!)

..........................

Now then.. So why Monday Blues? And why on Tuesday? Because like a pebble dropped into the center of a very still lake, Monday's craptitude ripples throughout the week.

I know it's really not Monday's fault. It just wants to get along like everyone else. It wants to get through its business in one piece and with as few scrapes and bruises as possible. It has hopes, dreams, loves, wants and needs just like any other day of the week. Yet..... 90% of all trouble and trauma in the universe revolve around Mondays! Seriously. Well, as serious as I can be with a completely made up statistic like that..

Here are more completely useful and factual facts:

83.5% of all woes begin on Monday.
96.88% of all people who have experienced a Monday has complained of ill effects.
3.05% of all Mondays have, to date, not sucked.

These are facts, people! You know it's true because you're reading it on the internet.

All of this is just preamble for the heart of the matter. I'm troubled. Seriously troubled. It goes well beyond "This is a bad day" into "Quick kicking me, destiny!" I've got so much going on that needs fixing that I don't know where to begin. I'm overwhelmed!!

So of course my natural course of action when truly challenged is.... to WRITE ABOUT IT (in terms so completely generic that there's no way it will help the situation and or make me feel better about it..)!

VIVA BLOG!!

On that truly ambiguous note, I bid you a fond adieu.

Crossroads

2008-04-09T11:37:00.000-06:00

Welcome to my first post. It was originally full of excitement and wonder, woe and dismay, terrible forboding and wonderful omens..

And now it's just my first post.

Woot.

I'm sure as the blog continues, I'll tell you more about myself, if you care to read on. For now, I'm just drawing a line in the sand and labeling it.. "Start Here".

So I'm starting.

I'm 33 years old this year, and I feel like I'm at kind of a crossroads in my life. Seriously. For about the past two years I've had a mid-life crisis-ish. How, you may ask?

1) I bought a Mid Life Crisismobile. Now I just drive around town waiting for someone to flash the Mid Life Crisisignal into the sky so I can bust into action.

2) I divorced my wife. Well, I mean, my ex-wife. I also divorced her family, her friends, my house, my power-drill, and my really keen entertainment center.. but I digress.

3) My job has become very interesting as of late. I'm sure I'll go into it in excruiating (yet suitably non-job threateningly vague) sort of ways, but for now, just know that its...... interesting.

4) Dating. Since the divorce I've dated close to 30 girls. Seriously. It was the great Flurry O Dating. Most of them consisted of meeting once and never again.. but.. It was miserable.

.... Miserable how? Doesn't everyone love to date? HELL NO. Dating is like looking for a specific sock, in a drawer full of hundreds (nay - THOUSANDS) of other socks. In short, it's painful and mostly boring.

5) That brings us to now. I'm dating a girl I very much dig. I don't just mean "key lime pie at midnight" level of digging.. it's MUCH stronger. I'm sure you'll hear about her more in the future.. You lucky devils!

6) I'm in debt.. I got a little crazy last Christmas, and last year period (what with movin' and all) so I'm getting that all paid down.

7) I'm slowly drifting away from certain friends, and closer to other groups of friends. I think this is fairly cyclic though, as I love all of my friends. I would never intentionally drop out of any of these guys' lives.

8) Eight, eight, I forgot what eight was for...

Ok, if you're still reading this, I have a confession to make.. About the last 3 of those points were really just so I could squeeze in a Femmes reference.

Anyhow, thank you for reading.. I'll try to update often since I can almost picture you sitting there, drooling over the notion of another one of these action packed(!) posts..

Stay tuned. :)