Turd Baby. Rar.

From "Shitlist" by L7

For all the ones
Who bum me out
Shitlist
For all the ones
Who fill my head with doubt
Shitlist
For all the squares who get me pissed
Shitlist
You've made my shitlist



Dear Taiwanese Peoples at Bitobi.com,

I am very interested in finding out what opportunities there are for my very own Turd Baby. I don’t need a big Turd Baby, figuring I’ll start small and just build onto it as I go. I hear bigger Turd Babies can be harder to manage, so I would realllly put my back into making my little Turd Baby the best that it could be.

I would be willing to start on my Turd Baby dream this very afternoon with additional guidance from you. I don’t want to mess up my first Turd Baby, after all. I mean, ideally there would be a Turd Baby in every household across America, but until people really start to sniff out our product, I’ll have to settle for a Turd Baby in every town.

Please reply back with anything you feel that would help my Turd Baby grow into something amazing and breathtaking. I’d hate for my Turd Baby to reek of amateur, after all. I WANT THIS TURD BABY TO COME FROM MY HEART, and I do NOT want it to be half-assed!

Sincerely dreaming about my own Turd Baby right now,

Joshua Butterfield

PS - thank you to Soubriquet for the correction!

No Handlebars

From "No Handlebars" by the Flobots

I can ride my bike with no handlebars
No handlebars
No handlebars

I can ride my bike with no handlebars
No handlebars
No handlebars

Look at me, look at me
hands in the air like it's good to be
ALIVE
and I'm a famous rapper
even when the paths're all crookedy
I can show you how to do-si-do
I can show you how to scratch a record
I can take apart the remote control
And I can almost put it back together
I can tie a knot in a cherry stem
I can tell you about Leif Ericson
I know all the words to "De Colores"
And "I'm Proud to be an American"
Me and my friend saw a platypus
Me and my friend made a comic book
And guess how long it took
I can do anything that I want cuz, look:

I can keep rhythm with no metronome
No metronome
No metronome

I can see your face on the telephone
On the telephone
On the telephone

Look at me
Look at me
Just called to say that it's good to be
ALIVE
In such a small world
All curled up with a book to read
I can make money open up a thrift store
I can make a living off a magazine
I can design an engine sixty four
Miles to a gallon of gasoline
I can make new antibiotics
I can make computers survive aquatic conditions
I know how to run a business
And I can make you wanna buy a product
Movers shakers and producers
Me and my friends understand the future
I see the strings that control the systems
I can do anything with no assistance
I can lead a nation with a microphone
With a microphone
With a microphone
I can split the atoms of a molecule
Of a molecule
Of a molecule

Look at me
Look at me
Driving and I won't stop
And it feels so good to be
Alive and on top
My reach is global
My tower secure
My cause is noble
My power is pure
I can hand out a million vaccinations
Or let'em all die in exasperation
Have'em all healed of their lacerations
Have'em all killed by assassination
I can make anybody go to prison
Just because I don't like'em and
I can do anything with no permission
I have it all under my command
I can guide a missile by satellite
By satellite
By satellite
and I can hit a target through a telescope
Through a telescope
Through a telescope
and I can end the planet in a holocaust
In a holocaust
In a holocaust
In a holocaust
In a holocaust
In a holocaust

I can ride my bike with no handlebars
No handle bars
No handlebars

I can ride my bike with no handlebars
No handlebars
No handlebars


Wow.

I mean wow. You can quote me on that, son. Wow!

No Handlebars - The Video!

This catchy and seemingly innocuous song is really actually a powerful political statement. As is much of the rest of their CD. However, to reallllly understand the message, check out the video.

Two friends start off riding bikes together. They get to the city and notice that there are two directions.. One is POWER and the other is PEACE. They embrace and start walking down the different paths..

As the video progresses, the power man grows in strength and power, while the peace man sighs and shakes his head at the direction the world is taking under the care of his former friend.

Finally the peaceful man starts rounding up the disenfranchised and leading them to protest the powerful man, who is giving a very dictator-esque sort of speech (reminiscent of another of history's all time low-life's..). The powerful man is surrounded by riot troops with automatic weapons.

Next thing you know, the troops are opening fire on the protestors as the song speaks about holocaust.

You see the peaceful man get shot, and slump down to the ground, dying to the opening lines of the song..

Holy shit.

I loved Rage Against the Machine, and their message (though I'm not saying that I'm alllll about the political music..) but they lacked subtlety, they pretty much beat you over the head with their message until it oozed out of your cracked skull.



These guys have done it.. They've really done it!! Metaphors, symbolism and a catchy tune.. It doesn't make me angry to listen to it, it makes me think. And THAT is far more important to long term change than anger.

Just my two cents, baby..

Undead Soup - Can You Dig It?

From "Bloodletting" by Concrete Blonde

There's a crack in the mirror
and a bloodstain on the bed -
There's a crack in the mirror
and a bloodstain on the bed -
O you were a vampire and baby
I'm the walking dead
O you were a vampire and baby
I'm the walking dead

Just a quick message to say; check out Undead Soup!! This is a site dedicated to all things awesome.

Trust me, you'll dig it. Well, trust me, **I** dig it..

PS - speaking of which, here's more zombie goodness.. If you're in SLC around 8/10 and want to lurch around and bite people, check THIS out!!!

The Salt Lake City Suicide Dog....

From "Meat is Murder" by the Smiths

Heifer whines could be human cries
Closer comes the screaming knife
This beautiful creature must die
This beautiful creature must die
A death for no reason
And death for no reason is murder


Oh thank heaven...

One of my single greatest and guiltiest pleasures in life is the SLC Suicide Dog from 7-11. Nothing fills me up, and tickles ye olde tastebuds quite like it..

So what exactly is the SLC Suicide Dog? Easy!

STEP ONE-
As the hot dogs (for their own safety) have moved behind bullet-proof plexiglass, you need to ask for the 1/4 pound big bite. When this gets handed to you, be SURE to test the bun and dog itself. The bun needs to be soft, without being soggy and the dog needs to be hot all the way through.

hint - a professional Dogger can determine whether or not the hot dog is ready by the color of its skin.. If it looks pink it's probably not done.. The longer it cooks, the darker it gets. By that note, if they're on the grill for TOO LONG you start to look like aged and wrinkly leather

STEP TWO- (the foundation)
If your 7-11 is equipped with a ketchup and mustard squirtation device(tm), a good solid squirt of both are in order. Be sure that the squirt runs the length of the dog! If only packets are available, a single packet of each should do the trick.

hints - where you place the aforementioned squirts can greatly change your dog. Remember, this IS THE FOUNDATION of your flavor. If you place it on the bun, you run the chance of muting your flavor a bit more, so I recommend placing your squirtage on the dog itself.

Also - the amount of squirtage varies with taste.. it doesn't take much mustard to overwhelm the other flavors present on the dog. I recommend starting with the single squirt and experimenting from there.

STEP THREE- (Bells and Whistles)
This is where you can really cut loose. I'm posting the Official SLC Suicide Dog here, but I encourage you to experiment.

Take one heaping spoonful of relish from the condiment tray (or packets, if need be) and spread it evenly across the dog. Optimal positioning should put the relish in the crevice between dog and bun.

Next, take four evenly sized jalapeno pepper slices from the condiment tray and place them at even intervals along the top of the dog itself.

hint - Other options include hot sauces, onions, mayonaise, miracle whip, salsa etc.. However, be warned, each of these items dramatically alters the taste of your Suicide Dog. They also tend to dominate the other flavors.

STEP FOUR- (Finishing Touches..)
Your mouth is watering at this point, and you're not sure the delicious meal in your hands will survive long enough to get to the counter, let alone another topping. But let me ask you this; how much of a piece of art was the Mona Lisa without her smile? Exactly!! Read on, friend, and soon you'll be digging in!

This step takes a bit of pre-work. You see the longer the Chili and Cheese machines sit there, the more likely you are to have a gross "Chilicicle" or "Cheesecicle" on the spout. To remedy this situation, just take a napkin off of the nearby shelf and take a swipe at each of the spouts.

That done, you are now free and clear. You can now drop a swipe of cheese and chili (again, matching the length of the dog). Timing can be a bit tricky to keep the chili and cheese evenly distributed, but rest assured, gentle reader, it will come with time.

In conclusion..

To the casual observer the SLC Suicide Dog looks like a chili cheese dog. However, one bite into it and your tastebuds will know the difference. The relish, mustard and ketchup should blend to form a subtle base while the jalapeno gives it a delicious kick. The chili and cheese should sit with you for a few seconds after each bite, reminding you of happier days at Weinerschnitzel with mum and dad.

Last Words -

I hate to sound like a fanboy, but there's a deal right now at my local 7-11 that gives you a Big Gulp AND a 1/4 pound big bite for only TWO DOLLARS!!

Wow.

You heard it here first people!! Happy munching!

Blog You, Pal!

From "Changes" by Davide Bowie..

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Don't tell t hem to grow up and out of it
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Where's your shame
You've left us up to our necks in it
Time may change me
But you can't trace time

So it's been a while. A lot has gone on in my world. Life has been as sweet a fruit as I've ever tasted, lately. But.. not completely without worms.

Over the past few weeks and months I've come to realize a few things:

I'm not really at a crossroads in my life. Or, more accurately, every day is a crossroad with choices taking me one direction OR another. I mean.. well... duh, right? Sometimes I tend to get so focused on every second of my life that when I have to make a big decision it feels like "THE BIG DECISION OF MY LIFE".

As Corissa would say.. "Oh brother!"

Also, I'm not a quitter. I don't give up on the things that are really important to me. Sometimes it takes a bit to figure out the hierarchy of importance, but once I understand what means what.. I don't have a problem acting on them.

Blah blah blah.. right? I know.. it's not very interesting. However, this is that catharsis thing again. There.. I've gotten it out of my system.. I feel better!

One thing that bothered me was; I didn't have a 'niche' to write about in my BLOG. So far it's been cranial diarrhea, which can't be terribly interesting to you.. no matter how therapeutic it may be for me.

So what's going on?

1) The Job Hunt Continues! Yes, I'm still searching for that perfect job. I'd love to own my own business.. maybe a restaurant, or a book store, call center consulting.. But I'd settle for an Operations Manager role somewhere.

2) Corissa. Woo!

3) Friends. I've jumped back into my Friday night thing, which reconnects me with a group of friends I hadn't touched base with much over the past few months. I'm excited to see my friends again. Corissa is incredibly willing to mingle with my friends, and they universally love her. Consequently, we've had our hands full with BBQ's, hiking, UFC fights and just random get togethers.

4) Did I Mention This Is The Best Summer Evar? I'm active again. In my marriage I turned into a sea slug. My milky white complexion was only ever darkened by anger at becoming a sea slug.



THIS summer though, we've spent time at the pool, time at the tennis courts, time in the gym again, time hiking..

5) Room-mates. I've invited an old friend of mine to live with us. He's an excellent room-mate, and it's a pleasure having him around. He loves Corissa and Beekus and Minnie. He mocks me incessantly and he's very conscientious. Now if only we could find him a girlfriend..

6) Goodbye, Lucy, goodbye. I traded in my car for something infinitely more practical, but something infinitely less gorgeous. *sigh* Here's Lucy in all of her glory (say goodbye..)


And here's "Elsie" I don't know why that name fits, or why the hell I had to name her anyhow, except.. well, it fits. Hello, Elsie!



So that's what's been going on.. in short, life is good. However, that still leaves the niche. What am I an expert on? Well, it would be vanity to believe I knew more than anyone else about many subjects, but here's what I LOVE:

• GAMING (RPG, Table Top, Board Game, Computer / XBOX)
• SEX
• MUSIC
• TRIPPING THE 'GEEK' FANTASTIQUE
  

When we did the podcast, long ago, one of my favorite things was answering questions sent in by fellow gamers. I loved it!! I've tossed around the idea of answering game related questions here, but I don't know how well the BLOG environment lends itself to that.

I've been Roleplaying and gaming in general for much much more than half my life. I have been doing it for just over 19 years now. This doesn't make me an expert, but it does give me a lot of experiences to draw from.

My speciality is the ability to whip up ideas for a quick game, or a campaign or a short multi session thing. My other speciality is coming up with character ideas.

What do you think? Can this work? Would YOU send me a question?

Don't make me an angry sea slug, people.. you wouldn't like me when I'm angry!!

Corissssssssssssssssaaaaaahhhh

From "Girlfriend is Better" by The Talking Heads

I got a girlfriend thats better than that
Now everyones getting involved
Shes moving up going right through my heart
We might not ever get caught
Going right through (try to stay cool) going through, staying cool
I got a girlfriend thats better than that
And nothing is better than you

As promised here's my entry on my girlfriend. I've struggled with this one, because it's important to get it right.. So here goes!!

First of all, and most importantly, she's my best friend and confidant. I'm talking "help me hide these bodies" level of best friend. Someone I trust with every secret I have, someone I feel comfortable having a key to my apartment, someone I can tell all of my woes to and know I'm going to get some love back.

She's got a great heart and the quality of her friends reflects it. They LOVE her! Though now that I think about it, I've never met anyone that hasn't been completely smitten with her the second they meet her.

She's comfortable in every setting with every type of person. Believe me, there's something daunting about being in a room with 15 hard-core gamers. She does it and still wins their hearts.

I've never met a person who is so innately good at everything. I'd be irritated with her beating me at everything if I wasn't so damned proud of her. I was formerly the king of Scrabble, but that crown has been taken and the funny thing is, I just don't mind. Whenever we play she gets this incredibly serious look on her face as she concentrates on the next 65 point word. (no, seriously folks.. she's that good!)

With all of her innate skill, it's funny to me that she's so hard on herself. I guess everyone is most critical of themselves, and she's no exception.

She's equally at home behind the wheel of a four-wheeler or dirt bike, as she is behind the microphone warbling tunes in her sweet voice. She can fish, hike, write poetry, watch plays, eat sushi, beat me at cribbage, relax and watch a movie, play tennis, sing songs to cats in their own language and still end the day with a kiss for me.

She's the most amazing girl in the world!

I've had to fight to keep her. We've had our ups and downs. I'm a natural worrier and an attention / love sponge. She left a relationship where she was always on her own to one with me where we're always together.. I'm the biggest sex junkie I know of. I'm not perfect and I never will be, but my love for her is perfect.

I'm also a bit of an anachronism, and am never quite in style. And she's (unintentionally) incredibly stylish. She just looks at me, rolls her eyes and tries valiantly to bring me out of the 80's.

She is understanding of me gaming, and encourages me to do what I want when I want to. She's honest with me and direct with me whenever I ask a question..

Her deep beautiful eyes are the last thing I see before I go to sleep, and her crazy hair fraggles are the first thing I see in the morning.

Speaking of her beauty, she is built like a greek goddess.. Piercing eyes, a smile that can be bold and crazy or wicked with just a small change of her lips. She's the perfect height to put her head on my shoulder when we dance, which we sometimes do to hummed music in my apartment. Her legs are that sexy combination of voluptuous and athletic that is every man's dream.

I hope I don't sound like a stalker or fanatic. I think this is what love is supposed to be like.

I hope so. =)

WTF? (AKA Only In Utah)

True story. I was walking into the local grocery store, on a mission of mercy, when I overheard this cute little kid and her big burly nine-foot-four-inch father's conversation:

(NOTE: This is word for word to the best of my recollection.. )

Kid: Daddy, I want a treat
Dad: You’ll get what I get you and you be thankful
Kid: Daddy, you always get me poo, I don’t want poo
Dad: I don’t get you poo, you just eat it on your own.. hush now, Daddy’s thinkin’.
Kid: Are you thinkin’ about my treat or about poo?
Dad: Dammit, your treat is to eat for two weeks, daddy’s thinkin’ about huntin’
Kid: (mostly to herself) All I ever get is poo.

Crazy Enough to Be Awesome

Ludo.

Dig it:



Found on Christy's BLOG: Degenerate Elite

Thanks Jere..

While perusing my friend's blog, I found all of this stuff. I thought I'd bore the crap out of you with my answers. Buckle up my friends!

6 weird things about me:

1. I am a midnight snacker. About half of the time I don't even know I do it, I just wake up in the morning to one helluva mess in the kitchen and crumbs in the bed.\
2. I'm sub-consciously superstitious. I don't know why or how or when it began, but I just can't escape the fact that I am.
3. I was reading before I was talking or walking. (which, before you ask, is NOT enough to earn a Nobel Peace Prize.. Trust me, I already checked into it..)
4. There are two things that I'll try at any restaraunt I go to- Key Lime Pie and Spicy Buffalo Wings.
5. I am completely and utterly (unabashedly) addicted to Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
6. When I was in high school, I thought I was Edgar Allen Poe reincarnated.

Threes:

• Three Names You Go By: Josh, Muffin and Joshua
• Three Screen Names You Have: Raging Swede, The Swede, Joshuabslc
• Three Things You Like About Yourself: My giving personality, my ability to have fun doing damned near anything and my ability (and willingness) to express myself.
• Three Things You Dislike About Yourself: My inability to be concise at times. my age and my inability to just turn off my brain.
• Three Parts of Your Heritage: Awesome, more awesome and amazingly, somehow MORE awesome.
• Three Things That Scare You: Growing old alone, whitey tighties and bad beer!
• Three Everyday Essentials: Corissa, Lucy and Coffee.
• Three Things You're Wearing Right Now: A sardonic smile, boxer shorts with little red race cars on them and new Levis!
• Three Favorite Bands/Artists: Talking Heads, Franz Ferdinand and Sisters of Mercy.
• Three Favorite Songs at Present: MLWTTKK's "Leathersex", Goldfrapp's "Ooh La La" and the Beatles "Falling"
• Three Things You Want To Try And Do In The Next Twelve Months: Become my own boss, travel outside the US with Corissa and get into a house!
• Three Things You Want In A Relationship: Excellent conversation, deep and sincere love and the kind of sex you just never get bored with!
• Two Truths And A Lie: I'm dyslexic, I've had Lasic surgery and I once owned a car named "Hot Rod the Buddhist Battlewagon"
• Three PHYSICAL Things About The Opposite Sex That Appeal To You: Eyes, a nice ass and sweet glorious hair!
• Three Things You Just Can't Do: Can't pass up a kiss first thing in the morning, to hell with the consequences, can't leave well enough alone and can't pass up Key Lime Pie..
• Three Favorite Hobbies: Gaming, Music and reading.
• Three Things I Want To Do Really Bad Right Now: Turn back the clock 8 hours and crawl back into bed, take the roof down on my car and cruise like the wind and did I mention crawling into bed? Yeah.. well..
• Three Careers You Have Considered: Stunt man, Trucker, Teacher.
• Three Places You Want To Go On Vacation: Japan, Scotland and Hawaii.
• Three Kid's Name You Have Considered: Mums, The and Word
• Three Things You Want To Do Before You Die: become a world class chef, write my own book and re-learn to dance all of the big ballroom dances!
• Three People Who Have To Take This Quiz Now: Hehe, there'd have to be 3 people who read the blog. So instead, I'd be interested to see Corissa's answers, Sean's answers and Hoffamunches answers..

I Hate Shia LaBeouf

Hi everyone, I'm Chris and I used to podcast with Josh. He said it would be ok for me to guest post on his blog, which is really nice because I've got something I've got to get off my chest.

I hate Shia LaBeouf.

I hate him. I hate his beady eyes, I hate his name, I hate his ultra-boyish good looks, and I really hate him with a beard.

I hate that he gets lots of work even though he has no acting talent. Every time he's on screen I'm pulled out of the movie's fantasy and I see not "Sam Witwicky" or "Mutt Williams" but I see ... Shia.

I'll never believe he's anyone but Shia because he never acts like anyone but Shia. It's like needles in my eyes. Put him and Katie Holmes on screen together and unless they're playing themselves in the shockumentary "Why Katie Married a Nutjob" I'd rather poke my eyes out with an empty box of Junior Mints than watch.

How does he make a career out of shouting "NONONONONONONononononoNONONONOnonoNOnonONONONO" over and over again? I'm not exaggerating either:



How irritating it must be to hang out with him.

"Hey Shia, wanna get some burgers?"

"NONONONONONONOnnononononoNONOononononoNONO!!!"

"Would you like fries with that?"

"nonononononononNONONONONONONO!!"

But most of all, I hate him for being involved in the ruining of my beloved childhood properties!

How dare someone born in 1986 get more screen time in TRANSFORMERS "the movie" than OPTIMUS F'ING PRIME! Someone younger than the invention of NEW COKE shouldn't be crowding out Indiana Jones for half of the INDIANA JONES MOVIE!

And for his his greatest crime, allow me to take you there:

One day Shia went to the green screen set, pushed open he door that read "Indiana Jones 4 Filming", sat his ass down in a canvas chair with his name printed on the back. Stephen Spielberg walked up to him ran over what they were going to shoot that afternoon. Mr. Speilberg layed out that in this scene Shia was to (spoiler alert) swing on vines with a bunch of cgi monkeys in a jungle (here's the best part) and one of the monkeys has the same 50's haircut as Shia's character does.

Instead of giving one of the correct responses which would have been:

a: "Have you lost your f'n mind you washed-up, goiter-licking, tea-bagging, turd-burglar?" followed by burning down said green screen studio with everyone in it

or

b: His catch-phrase "NONONONONONONONONONONONONONO NO NO!"

or

c: Kicking Stephen in the nuts.

Shia said, "Yessir!" and single-handedly flushed the Indy franchise down the toilet to join it's ruined brethren Star Wars ep. 1-3.

I think destroying two of my favorite 80's properties is just about enough. G.I. Joe is slated to come out next year, Thundercats has a project page on imdb.com and I've been seeing interviews with the guy who's writing He-Man. Would I like to see Shia within 100 yards of any of these productions?

NONONONONONONONOnononononononoNONONONONONONONO!!!!!

(The opinions expressed are mine and do not necessarily reflect those of Josh or Blogger.com)