Thursday, July 31, 2008

Turd Baby. Rar.

From "Shitlist" by L7

For all the ones
Who bum me out
For all the ones
Who fill my head with doubt
For all the squares who get me pissed
You've made my shitlist

Dear Taiwanese Peoples at,

I am very interested in finding out what opportunities there are for my very own Turd Baby. I don’t need a big Turd Baby, figuring I’ll start small and just build onto it as I go. I hear bigger Turd Babies can be harder to manage, so I would realllly put my back into making my little Turd Baby the best that it could be.

I would be willing to start on my Turd Baby dream this very afternoon with additional guidance from you. I don’t want to mess up my first Turd Baby, after all. I mean, ideally there would be a Turd Baby in every household across America, but until people really start to sniff out our product, I’ll have to settle for a Turd Baby in every town.

Please reply back with anything you feel that would help my Turd Baby grow into something amazing and breathtaking. I’d hate for my Turd Baby to reek of amateur, after all. I WANT THIS TURD BABY TO COME FROM MY HEART, and I do NOT want it to be half-assed!

Sincerely dreaming about my own Turd Baby right now,

Joshua Butterfield

PS - thank you to Soubriquet for the correction!

Thursday, July 24, 2008

No Handlebars

From "No Handlebars" by the Flobots

I can ride my bike with no handlebars
No handlebars
No handlebars

I can ride my bike with no handlebars
No handlebars
No handlebars

Look at me, look at me
hands in the air like it's good to be
and I'm a famous rapper
even when the paths're all crookedy
I can show you how to do-si-do
I can show you how to scratch a record
I can take apart the remote control
And I can almost put it back together
I can tie a knot in a cherry stem
I can tell you about Leif Ericson
I know all the words to "De Colores"
And "I'm Proud to be an American"
Me and my friend saw a platypus
Me and my friend made a comic book
And guess how long it took
I can do anything that I want cuz, look:

I can keep rhythm with no metronome
No metronome
No metronome

I can see your face on the telephone
On the telephone
On the telephone

Look at me
Look at me
Just called to say that it's good to be
In such a small world
All curled up with a book to read
I can make money open up a thrift store
I can make a living off a magazine
I can design an engine sixty four
Miles to a gallon of gasoline
I can make new antibiotics
I can make computers survive aquatic conditions
I know how to run a business
And I can make you wanna buy a product
Movers shakers and producers
Me and my friends understand the future
I see the strings that control the systems
I can do anything with no assistance
I can lead a nation with a microphone
With a microphone
With a microphone
I can split the atoms of a molecule
Of a molecule
Of a molecule

Look at me
Look at me
Driving and I won't stop
And it feels so good to be
Alive and on top
My reach is global
My tower secure
My cause is noble
My power is pure
I can hand out a million vaccinations
Or let'em all die in exasperation
Have'em all healed of their lacerations
Have'em all killed by assassination
I can make anybody go to prison
Just because I don't like'em and
I can do anything with no permission
I have it all under my command
I can guide a missile by satellite
By satellite
By satellite
and I can hit a target through a telescope
Through a telescope
Through a telescope
and I can end the planet in a holocaust
In a holocaust
In a holocaust
In a holocaust
In a holocaust
In a holocaust

I can ride my bike with no handlebars
No handle bars
No handlebars

I can ride my bike with no handlebars
No handlebars
No handlebars


I mean wow. You can quote me on that, son. Wow!

No Handlebars - The Video!

This catchy and seemingly innocuous song is really actually a powerful political statement. As is much of the rest of their CD. However, to reallllly understand the message, check out the video.

Two friends start off riding bikes together. They get to the city and notice that there are two directions.. One is POWER and the other is PEACE. They embrace and start walking down the different paths..

As the video progresses, the power man grows in strength and power, while the peace man sighs and shakes his head at the direction the world is taking under the care of his former friend.

Finally the peaceful man starts rounding up the disenfranchised and leading them to protest the powerful man, who is giving a very dictator-esque sort of speech (reminiscent of another of history's all time low-life's..). The powerful man is surrounded by riot troops with automatic weapons.

Next thing you know, the troops are opening fire on the protestors as the song speaks about holocaust.

You see the peaceful man get shot, and slump down to the ground, dying to the opening lines of the song..

Holy shit.

I loved Rage Against the Machine, and their message (though I'm not saying that I'm alllll about the political music..) but they lacked subtlety, they pretty much beat you over the head with their message until it oozed out of your cracked skull.

These guys have done it.. They've really done it!! Metaphors, symbolism and a catchy tune.. It doesn't make me angry to listen to it, it makes me think. And THAT is far more important to long term change than anger.

Just my two cents, baby..

Friday, July 18, 2008

Undead Soup - Can You Dig It?

From "Bloodletting" by Concrete Blonde

There's a crack in the mirror
and a bloodstain on the bed -
There's a crack in the mirror
and a bloodstain on the bed -
O you were a vampire and baby
I'm the walking dead
O you were a vampire and baby
I'm the walking dead

Just a quick message to say; check out Undead Soup!! This is a site dedicated to all things awesome.

Trust me, you'll dig it. Well, trust me, **I** dig it..

PS - speaking of which, here's more zombie goodness.. If you're in SLC around 8/10 and want to lurch around and bite people, check THIS out!!!

Monday, July 14, 2008

The Salt Lake City Suicide Dog....

From "Meat is Murder" by the Smiths

Heifer whines could be human cries
Closer comes the screaming knife
This beautiful creature must die
This beautiful creature must die
A death for no reason
And death for no reason is murder

Oh thank heaven...

One of my single greatest and guiltiest pleasures in life is the SLC Suicide Dog from 7-11. Nothing fills me up, and tickles ye olde tastebuds quite like it..

So what exactly is the SLC Suicide Dog? Easy!

As the hot dogs (for their own safety) have moved behind bullet-proof plexiglass, you need to ask for the 1/4 pound big bite. When this gets handed to you, be SURE to test the bun and dog itself. The bun needs to be soft, without being soggy and the dog needs to be hot all the way through.

hint - a professional Dogger can determine whether or not the hot dog is ready by the color of its skin.. If it looks pink it's probably not done.. The longer it cooks, the darker it gets. By that note, if they're on the grill for TOO LONG you start to look like aged and wrinkly leather

STEP TWO- (the foundation)
If your 7-11 is equipped with a ketchup and mustard squirtation device(tm), a good solid squirt of both are in order. Be sure that the squirt runs the length of the dog! If only packets are available, a single packet of each should do the trick.

hints - where you place the aforementioned squirts can greatly change your dog. Remember, this IS THE FOUNDATION of your flavor. If you place it on the bun, you run the chance of muting your flavor a bit more, so I recommend placing your squirtage on the dog itself.

Also - the amount of squirtage varies with taste.. it doesn't take much mustard to overwhelm the other flavors present on the dog. I recommend starting with the single squirt and experimenting from there.

STEP THREE- (Bells and Whistles)
This is where you can really cut loose. I'm posting the Official SLC Suicide Dog here, but I encourage you to experiment.

Take one heaping spoonful of relish from the condiment tray (or packets, if need be) and spread it evenly across the dog. Optimal positioning should put the relish in the crevice between dog and bun.

Next, take four evenly sized jalapeno pepper slices from the condiment tray and place them at even intervals along the top of the dog itself.

hint - Other options include hot sauces, onions, mayonaise, miracle whip, salsa etc.. However, be warned, each of these items dramatically alters the taste of your Suicide Dog. They also tend to dominate the other flavors.

STEP FOUR- (Finishing Touches..)
Your mouth is watering at this point, and you're not sure the delicious meal in your hands will survive long enough to get to the counter, let alone another topping. But let me ask you this; how much of a piece of art was the Mona Lisa without her smile? Exactly!! Read on, friend, and soon you'll be digging in!

This step takes a bit of pre-work. You see the longer the Chili and Cheese machines sit there, the more likely you are to have a gross "Chilicicle" or "Cheesecicle" on the spout. To remedy this situation, just take a napkin off of the nearby shelf and take a swipe at each of the spouts.

That done, you are now free and clear. You can now drop a swipe of cheese and chili (again, matching the length of the dog). Timing can be a bit tricky to keep the chili and cheese evenly distributed, but rest assured, gentle reader, it will come with time.

In conclusion..

To the casual observer the SLC Suicide Dog looks like a chili cheese dog. However, one bite into it and your tastebuds will know the difference. The relish, mustard and ketchup should blend to form a subtle base while the jalapeno gives it a delicious kick. The chili and cheese should sit with you for a few seconds after each bite, reminding you of happier days at Weinerschnitzel with mum and dad.

Last Words -

I hate to sound like a fanboy, but there's a deal right now at my local 7-11 that gives you a Big Gulp AND a 1/4 pound big bite for only TWO DOLLARS!!


You heard it here first people!! Happy munching!