Monday, July 14, 2008

The Salt Lake City Suicide Dog....

From "Meat is Murder" by the Smiths

Heifer whines could be human cries
Closer comes the screaming knife
This beautiful creature must die
This beautiful creature must die
A death for no reason
And death for no reason is murder


Oh thank heaven...

One of my single greatest and guiltiest pleasures in life is the SLC Suicide Dog from 7-11. Nothing fills me up, and tickles ye olde tastebuds quite like it..

So what exactly is the SLC Suicide Dog? Easy!

STEP ONE-
As the hot dogs (for their own safety) have moved behind bullet-proof plexiglass, you need to ask for the 1/4 pound big bite. When this gets handed to you, be SURE to test the bun and dog itself. The bun needs to be soft, without being soggy and the dog needs to be hot all the way through.

hint - a professional Dogger can determine whether or not the hot dog is ready by the color of its skin.. If it looks pink it's probably not done.. The longer it cooks, the darker it gets. By that note, if they're on the grill for TOO LONG you start to look like aged and wrinkly leather

STEP TWO- (the foundation)
If your 7-11 is equipped with a ketchup and mustard squirtation device(tm), a good solid squirt of both are in order. Be sure that the squirt runs the length of the dog! If only packets are available, a single packet of each should do the trick.

hints - where you place the aforementioned squirts can greatly change your dog. Remember, this IS THE FOUNDATION of your flavor. If you place it on the bun, you run the chance of muting your flavor a bit more, so I recommend placing your squirtage on the dog itself.

Also - the amount of squirtage varies with taste.. it doesn't take much mustard to overwhelm the other flavors present on the dog. I recommend starting with the single squirt and experimenting from there.

STEP THREE- (Bells and Whistles)
This is where you can really cut loose. I'm posting the Official SLC Suicide Dog here, but I encourage you to experiment.

Take one heaping spoonful of relish from the condiment tray (or packets, if need be) and spread it evenly across the dog. Optimal positioning should put the relish in the crevice between dog and bun.

Next, take four evenly sized jalapeno pepper slices from the condiment tray and place them at even intervals along the top of the dog itself.

hint - Other options include hot sauces, onions, mayonaise, miracle whip, salsa etc.. However, be warned, each of these items dramatically alters the taste of your Suicide Dog. They also tend to dominate the other flavors.

STEP FOUR- (Finishing Touches..)
Your mouth is watering at this point, and you're not sure the delicious meal in your hands will survive long enough to get to the counter, let alone another topping. But let me ask you this; how much of a piece of art was the Mona Lisa without her smile? Exactly!! Read on, friend, and soon you'll be digging in!

This step takes a bit of pre-work. You see the longer the Chili and Cheese machines sit there, the more likely you are to have a gross "Chilicicle" or "Cheesecicle" on the spout. To remedy this situation, just take a napkin off of the nearby shelf and take a swipe at each of the spouts.

That done, you are now free and clear. You can now drop a swipe of cheese and chili (again, matching the length of the dog). Timing can be a bit tricky to keep the chili and cheese evenly distributed, but rest assured, gentle reader, it will come with time.

In conclusion..

To the casual observer the SLC Suicide Dog looks like a chili cheese dog. However, one bite into it and your tastebuds will know the difference. The relish, mustard and ketchup should blend to form a subtle base while the jalapeno gives it a delicious kick. The chili and cheese should sit with you for a few seconds after each bite, reminding you of happier days at Weinerschnitzel with mum and dad.

Last Words -

I hate to sound like a fanboy, but there's a deal right now at my local 7-11 that gives you a Big Gulp AND a 1/4 pound big bite for only TWO DOLLARS!!

Wow.

You heard it here first people!! Happy munching!

1 comment:

Valenna said...

Meat is MURDER!

Yummy, yummy murder.