Friday, November 27, 2009


So we went over to a friends house not long ago. While there, their six year old came out and taunted me with this quip:

"If I were afraid of you, why would I be THIS flexible..."

At which point she lifted her leg up so that it was pointing straight out from her body.

.............. I really didn't know how to answer that.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Hollywood Undead

From "Bitches" By Hollywood Undead

Bitches I hope you know
I won't stop 'til I hit that hoe
Shorty come say hello
And get your drunk ass over here let's bone


Hollywood undead is my guilty pleasure. They've got powerful tunes, dynamite synergy between members and an incredible incredible sound. This band is amazing!

So why a guilty pleasure considering all that? Check out the title of one of their tracks (Bitches, as shown above..). Damned near every song is about "bitches" and "40's" and some combination of getting laid, getting drunk or pulling out gats. Usually at least two of the three!

I get it, you're from LA. You grew up on the street, which was tough as hell. You hung out with gangsters and partied hard.. But, looking past that, you've got talent. Crazy talent. Crazy synergy, and a seriously crazy sound.

These guys could lay down a tune about the ingredients in Cocoa Puffs and I would be enthralled. ..... I may actually be more enthralled and not hate myself for being a lil Undead junkie.

Not that they would care - I'm a thirty something who grew up on Violent Femmes, Beastie Boys and Love and Rockets. I work in an office all day, and have always avoided the skreet scene. I'm guessing I'm not the target audience.


Here's another great example of a tune that's catchy, great beat, put together in an interesting way and completely juvenile...

Though the single coolest tune they've got is...

The worst part is; despite the incredibly juvenile subject matter, these guys can put lyrics together. I almost want to challenge them.. Write a song about:

Cheese Sandwichism
Selling out
Surviving the streets
The Future
The environment..

Is it fair for me to want them to write about ANYTHING other than the holy triumvirate of teenage partying? Probably not. If they changed, they may just lose that edge that makes them so fresh. At the same time, I know they can do it.. their song "Circles" feels sincere..

Tha Producer:
Take my hand lets go,
Somewhere we can rest our souls.
We'll sit where it's warm,
You say look we're here alone.

I was running in circles,
I hurt myself,
Just to find my purpose.
Everything was so worthless,
I didn't deserve this,
But to me you were perfect.

I'm scattered through this life.
If this is life I'll say good bye.
She's gone like an angel,
With wings let me burn tonight.

I was running in circles,
I hurt myself,
Just to find my purpose.
Everything was so worthless,
I didn't deserve this,
But to me you were perfect.

Johnny 3 Tears:
I see me writin on this paper.
Prayin for some savior.
Wishin *to* intake her and save her.

In a world so, so godless *so* thoughtless,
I dont know how we wrought this,
All the love that you brought us.

It feels like I'm killin myself.
Just wheelin myself.
Just to pray for some help.

I'd give it all just to have, have your eternity.
Cause it's all that assures me.
It's worth all that hurts me.
Find More lyrics at

I'd give you my heart,
And *I'd* let you just hold it.
I'd give you my soul,
But I already sold it.

On that day that day,
I walked away in December.
I will always remember.
I'll regret it forever.

I remember brown eyes,
So sad and blue skies.
Turned to darkness and night.
I'm so sick of the fight.

I won't breathe unless you breathe,
Won't bleed unless you bleed.
Won't be unless you be,
‘Till I'm gone and I can sleep.

I was running in circles,
I hurt myself,
Just to find my purpose.
Everything was so worthless,
I didn't deserve this,
But to me you were perfect. (x2)

Tha Producer:
I've gone away,
Seen better times in yesterday (I hurt myself).
It's hard to say,
That everything will be okay (I hurt myself).

I've gone away,
Seen better times in yesterday (I hurt myself).
It's hard to say,
That everything will be okay (I hurt myself).

Pretty damned good. I guess the long story short here is; check out Swan Songs. You may hate them, or love them, or hate yourself for loving them, but there's a good chance they'll make a serious impression on you.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Near Death

I have a friend, named Ben, that I haven't seen in ages. He moved back East a while ago to be near family and hasn't come back. (I know - come back to Utah? JEEPERS! ) We were well nigh inseparable for a while there, and were room-mates several times.

Why am I telling you all of this, O gentle reader?

I ALSO have a couple of scars on the back of my right hand, just below my pinky. One of them looks like a bass-clef, sort of, and the other does its best river Nile impersonation. If you will bear with my rambling for a moment, I'll take you back to the fateful day it happened...

Both Ben and I hated washing dishes, and after being room-mates long enough we figured we couldn't pawn it off on the other, so we tag-teamed 'em. I'd wash, and he'd rinse or whatever.. Went pretty fast, really, but I digress...

So there we were, one dark night, washing and rinsing away and bullshitting as we always did. I had my hand in a tall straight-sided glass and was getting that hard-to-get stuff at the bottom. A small circle of the glass broke out while I was swishing my hand back and forth inside the glass, and instantly I had a huge gash on my hand.

Of course, my hand is sitting in very hot (and sudsy) dishwater, which did its magic and pulled damned near every drop of blood out of my body (ok ok, so not every drop, but a LOT of drops..). Instantly the dish-water was a soupy dark red and I become very light headed.

Ben, who noticed before I did, did an honest to goodness tarzan AAAHHHHHHHH scream and yanked my hand out of the water.

For about half a mili-second he kept my hand over my head, hoping to slow the bleeding and then he really busted into action:

1) Pulling me away from the sink and instructing me to keep my hand OVER my head to slow the bleeding.
2) Running over to the top of the fridge (scant feet away) to grab a loaf of white bread
3) Jamming his hand into the loaf and coming out with a fist-full of white bread
4) Cramming the bread, all in a wad into my mouth (which felt incredibly dry in my weakened state..)
5) Giving me strict instructions to chew the bread and it would keep me from passing out..

I might add that chewing the bread turned into me opening my mouth and closing my mouth about ten times, each time with a huge wad of bread falling out.

6) Rushing into the bathroom and quickly returning with a roll of toilet paper

Everyone knows that blood loss causes loss of hearing (.....) so I was thankful that the guy standing inches away was yelling into my ear.. It almost made me forget that I was dying!!

8) Frantically wrapping an entire roll of toilet paper around my hand so that it looked like a mummified soccer ball.
9) Grabbing me, and flinging me over his shoulder to carry me out to his truck while shouting "KEEP IT ABOVE YOUR HEART!!!"
10) Driving 90 miles an hour (!!!) down to the insta-care and carrying me inside, finally propping me up just inside the door to wait for care.


Sensing that I was clearly on the very brink of death, they rushed me back to Punky Brewster meets Pippy Longstocking..

She had pink and blue hair in huge pig tails, black and white striped nylons, short shorts (pre-yowwwwwwwwwww), and boots that looked like witches shoes.


Many stitches later, I was back on the way home, occasionally pausing to cough up some white bread.

I still have those scars to this day, and if anyone asks me about them, I usually reply that it was a grizzly bear attack or barracuda bite.. whatever tough and manly tall tale I can come up with.

Why? Well, because I'm just not sure anyone would be the real story. ;)

Saturday, May 2, 2009

The Challenge

So I was walking home from school one day with a few friends, right? Mike, one of the friends in question fancied himself a poet. Truth be told, I did as well. We were discussing the quality of our poems.

Mike could clearly tell that I was something of a poetical genius, and his hackles rose. He immediately challenged me to a ......... Poem-off.

Yes. A poem off.

He posed that we'd each have 2 minutes to compile a poem that would indicate our skill at composing on the spot. He indicated that he would set the example and go first. His poem was this:

My prowess is big.
Is VERY big.
Is hairy like a pig.

It was impossible to conceive of a better poem, especially while doubled over laughing.

My friends are downstairs right now playing rock band. I can hear my fiancee warbling out Michael Jackson's Beat It with glee. She does a surprisingly good MJ. I am feeling pretty good myself, now that I think about it.

I've had four shots of Jaegermeister, 3 beers, and a rum and coke. This has made me perhaps the ultimate blogger.



Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Tough Job

From "Def Con One" by Pop Will Eat Itself

Ten to doomsday, moving fast...
Heads up! Mind that blast.
No time to sleep, it's Def.Con.One.
Can't get no sleep as the ticking ticks on,
No time for fear, it's Def.Con.One

One of the most underrated and misunderstood jobs in the world is saving it. Seriously.

Imagine you're standing there with a chainsaw, welding helmet and shopping cart full of razor wire. Typical Friday night for you, right? Held back the forces of evil and now you're ready to pop an ice cold one and get some rest..

AND THEN the police show up.

They want answers, they want to hear the truth (they say) but when you lay it on the line they laugh. LAUGH!?

Jeez, world, you're very welcome for saving you. Yes I'd like to go downtown for some questioning.


Monday, March 23, 2009

Sea of Stupidity

I sailed across a misty sea,
the dark sea of stupidity.
Where many creatures gazed at me,
who thought my wit a mystery.

I reached out for the farthest shore,
but through the mist and seabirds soar,
I caught a glimpse, but nothing more.
of that long sought far off shore.

So now I fight the furious tide,
as salt and sea blind my eyes..
I savor not, this joyless ride,
which only ends on yonder side!

Even now, while I speak,
the floorboards of my soul grow weak,
and as each wave bares its peak,
I dearly dream of the shore I seek..

One thing, yet, may bring me peace..
the sweet solemn peace of thought release,
but of my mind the sharks will feast..
dare I tempt the angry seas.
On the dark sea of stupidity.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

From Russia with Love

From "Russian Girls" by Sasha Dith

Russian, russian, russian girls, my baby
Give me, give me all your love
Russian, russian, russian girls
You take my soul...

The other day my fiancee and I were having Pho in our favorite little Vietnamese restaurant (Pho Green Papaya) when I noticed that my mug was made in Russia. And then it hit me..

I miss the cold war.

Sad, I know. But they made for such an imposing adversary. Their country was bigger, scarier, gruffer and more.. well - RUSSIAN than ours. Heck, even when you look at their country's acronym it was more imposing:



They were enough of a scare that to be branded a communist (or a RED) was enough to ruin your career or at least make you miserable. I look at who the US has tense relations with now a days and I realize that they're just squabbles or posturing. Something that we, alas, have set an example of.

I know it's stating the obvious, but O what a different era we were in. MAD hanging in the air like a real possibility. Thinly veiled threats and dire warnings. Spy games going on with reckless abandon (spy movies flourishing ...)

Maybe "I miss the cold war" is too strong a statement. After all, I am positive I was too young to really know what was going on around me. But I felt like I was in a movie with good guys and bad guys, and it was clear which was which. Not only that, but I don't miss the fact that the world was in genuine peril and it took the work of a good many people to keep the fragile peace.

Nothing is that simple anymore. Maybe it never was, but it sure felt simple then. Now everything is innuendo and hidden agendas. Torture happening in dark places, corrupt officials at all levels. It was easier to trust our government when we had such a terrifying nemesis rearing up to strike overshadowing our own shortcomings. How easy to forgive and forget when we must band together against a common enemy. Now that the shadow of imminent destruction has been lifted and daylight is shining on our own faults and foibles, it's just downright embarrassing.

Maybe that's it.. maybe it's the current air of rightfully earned cynicism that has me feeling like theirs was the better era. Maybe it's the rose colored goggles of nostalgia and not the truth, but again, that's what if feels like.

And lastly, and let's be honest with ourselves folks, the 80's had cooler cartoons.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Ducks - the Horror!

From "Opiate" by Tool

Deaf and blind and dumb and born to follow
What you need is someone strong to guide you
Deaf and blind and dumb and born to follow
Let me lay my holy hand a, hand upon you

Filthy creatures, really. Ducks.

So I'm in a brand new office, one wall is dominated by two huge glass windows. They overlook one of the most beautiful business courtyards I've ever seen. However, my office is situated so that my back is to my windows, and with how much time I spend with my nose to the grindstone, I seldom get to see it.

Here's the view from my window after a recent storm:

Still quite scenic, little water fount / fall

Here's the fall part.

Pulled back a bit.. You can see the other buildings across the way.

Little bridge, and a normally well kept grounds (hard to see in the snow)

The whole tamale!

Anyhow, it's like my second day in the office, and I haven't had a chance to really enjoy the view, but some folks I work with wandered in while I was between meetings.. As they chatted with me about a few minor work things, their eyes kept flitting outside, softening as they observed Mother Nature(tm) in all of her glory. It's important to note that these ladies are all very mature, very professional and decently conservative.

Finally one of them speaks up..

One of Them: You have the most amazing view, don't you just love to watch the ducks?

I had to honestly admit, I didn't really give them any thought.. I hadn't had TIME to enjoy 'em. So, pausing mid conversation, I spun my chair and looked outside.

RIGHT outside my office, straight out from my window and right next to the pond, a male duck started chasing around a female duck. The female was screaming for help, but the other ducks just didn't make eye contact. It wasn't just a scream but it was this desperate screeching wail that sounded wholly miserable!

Finally, the guy duck, having gotten a good handle on the struggling gal, and having forced her into the water, started humping away at SheDuck for god and glory. At this point, another guy duck, swimming around in the water stopped and looked for all the world like he was taking notes on the first duck's technique.

Finally, with one last warbling cry, HeDuck jumped off, flapped his wings a bit and started swimming off with his note taking buddy.

Of course, this is just nature - right? But in my mind the poor SheDuck was down in the water, trying to stop the tears and clean up the duckscara that was running down her face.

Slowly, I spun my chair back around, mouth dropped completely open in shock and horror, eyes wide with disgust..

The three ladies in my office, stared over my shoulder, each of them wearing a look of sheer horror.

They filed out of my office without another word, and not ONE of them has mentioned my view again.

Freakin' ducks...

Friday, March 6, 2009

New Driver's License...hoboy

From "I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred

I'm too sexy for my car too sexy for my car
Too sexy by far
And I'm too sexy for my hat
Too sexy for my hat what do you think about that

So I go in to get my picture taken, right, but then I think.. "I'm ready for my close-up now..." They call my name to come up and I approach like I'm walking the catwalk, baby, onthe catwalk. (I just wanted them to have a small taste of what was coming..)

When I got to the chosen spot, I spun on one heel and faced the camera giving them my patented look "The Swedish Fishmonger" , and believe me, this look puts the GRRRRR in Fishmonger!

The lady behind the machine just looked at me, stunned by the double barrel blast of hawtness, but somehow managed to stammer out her spiel.

Yes yes, verify everything is good on screen.
Yes yes, stand right here.
Yes yes, smile for the camera...

So I whipped out my little portable hand-fan. You know, the battery operated type that makes that faint whirring noise and kicks up enough air to cool you off on a toasty summer day?

Still wearing the SF(tm) I turned the fan to hit my face, whipping my hair into a sweet wind-tunnel effect, like I was running the final leg in Chariots of Fire...

Time slowed down for me as the lady snapped the shot, and you know, I think I heard the pop of an old timey flashbulb and smelled the faint whif of ozone!

.... on the catwalk.. yeah, on the catwalk!

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Catching Up

Greetings O esteemed reader!

It's been an eventful couple of months on the home front. Since you are undoubtedly on the edge of your seat wondering what exactly happened, I'll try to get it all in:

We're all settled in the house.. ended up redoing the entire kitchen. We both mortgaged our spleens to be able to finish it.. but so worth it!!

We had our first big friend gathering around Christmas time for the annual friends get-together, which went awesome. We had a massive breakfast with about 20 people showing up. I was going to ask my sweetheart to marry me at the breakfast, but there was never just that PERRRRFECT moment.

By then I'd already picked out a diamond for her and everything. I figured it wasn't a big deal to not ask her at the party, because... CHRISTMAS (or Xmas Eve) would be even better, right?

Well, mom called early one morning during an action packed game of Runebound and asked:


It was loud enough that Corissa's head snapped up from the game and she looked me over like "huh?".

Mom wasn't done though.. she continued with:


Embarassed and totally foiled, I pulled out the diamond for Corissa right then and there and got down on one knee, asking for her hand in marriage. It was all very exciting, embarrassing and touching all at once.

Since then, I had my birthday, we've been invited to join the VanSeans for a vacation in paradise, Charly is a much bigger pooch and we discovered Dance Dance Revolution.

Speaking of Dance, we've started taking ballroom dancing together, and it's a blast. We've got Waltz and most of the Foxtrot under our belts. Now for some swing, baby!!



Sorry for the long absence, but I hope to make time to keep this up a bit better in the near future!